Monday, May 31, 2010

Butterflies...


So I don't know what's going on with me, really. I feel sort of apathetic to this whole situation between bi guy and I. (lol) On one hand, I like him and enjoy spending time with him. He's aggressive, he's funny, he's halfway intelligent. On the other hand...I'm just not feeling those butterflies. I don't really care about impressing him or anything like that. I only talk to him on the phone if he calls me. I usually only text him if he texts me. I only spend time with him if he asks (which has been an almost daily occurence for the last 9 days.


I'm just comparing him to my three previous relationships (which is maybe where I'm fucking up) and with those three guys, I can remember feeling butterflies and explosions and JOY! I WANTED to see them all the time, speak with them all the time, make them happy ALL THE TIME. So I don't know what my problem is. Could I just be so jaded and downtrodden with negative relationship experiences that I'm over it all? Or is he just not the right guy?


How the hell do you figure all this out anyway? lol. Do I need 1 800 Therapist for this? haha.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Bi Bi Baby...


So I met a guy. Now it's TOTALLY premature to be writing about him because we've only hung out twice...but premature is my nature. LOL. I have no idea where this is going to go, I don't have any preconceived notions about it. We have two things planned for this upcoming week so I'm just going to take it as it comes. I just know that I am resolving RIGHT NOW...IN THIS BLOG that I'm going to not have any airs or put on any show this time around. I'm just going to relax, be myself and deal with things as it comes. I'm never afraid to speak my mind in work related/friend situations but with relationships I always tend to take a heavy dose of chillax. lol.


So far, I haven't. I let him know upfront I have a 90 day rule before you see me in anything less than full attire (and that's a minimum) and don't even think about seeing my crib or any of that shit. Both times we met up, he was 15 minutes late so I let him know that my time is precious to me and not a commodity that I have much of so he needs to make a stronger effort to be on time. He doesn't have a cell phone, as he just moved here from NYC, and I let him know upfront that if dating is something we're going to try, he needs to get one. It may seem odd and demanding of me to say something like that upfront without even really knowing him but to me it's just something that isn't negotiable. If we're going to be making plans and what not, you need to be reachable. If I'm feeling some type of way and want to express that to you, you need to be available to receive such things. lol. If you're missing me, you should be able to send a text or a quick phone call to say so and likewise.


To me, it's sketchy that in the year 2010 you don't have a cell phone...which brings me to my next issue. He is bisexual. Now this may be an insecurity of mine, I'm not sure yet, but this puts me on edge. Obviously a female is not something I can compete with. I've had weird experiences in the past dating bisexual men. They tend to treat their men like females, which I don't like. The last guy I dated who was bisexual was constantly trying to exert his masculinity by buying me lots of shit, treating me to dinners and movies and museums, etc, carrying my bags and shit like that to prove that he was "the man". Now I'm not the epitomy of masculine by any means but I'm not some fairy queen either. I don't need you to have a pissing contest with me. Just be yourself and let me be me. So I guess I'm sort of bringing that baggage into this situation because I'm already seeing signs of that sort of behavior.


He's already talking about taking me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and to the movies. I just think it's disingenuous to be tryna floss at this point in the "relationship". I'm probably over thinking it, which is another thing I do, but that doesn't fall in line with my way of thinking. I'm just thinking of having a good time, getting to know him and trying to do low key things that aren't extravegent or involve lots of money and preparation. I always try to make it a point to represent myself well and STRONGLY when I get to know someone in the romantic sense. Our first meeting, we spent 3.5 hours just talking and then our second meeting half that doing the same thing. I KNOW that I have done an amazing job of presenting myself accurately thus far. So i'm hoping his desire to be a little "extra", as I told him his nickname is gonna be, is just a part of his personality and not anything that's being conjured in an effort to impress me.


I'm very demanding and I dont like when I feel people are being disingenuous with me so I'm just hoping that within time over these next few days/weeks/months/whatever, I will see who he is as a person and it will align with how he's presented himself thus far.


Wish me luck y'all. This is my first big step back out into the dating pool. I don't wanna get swallowed up by a shark and shat back out into crappier waters. LOL. I also don't wanna be some DL's sidepiece. Homie don't play that shit.

Letting My Guard Down-A few words about myself...




So it's no secret for those that know me that my last relationship didn't end well. It happens, we all go through it. We think we've found "the one". We get happy, we get comfortable and then the rug is pulled out from under us. We give up on love, we go into our hole and we get bitter. Some stay in that state longer than others and one could probably argue that some people never emerge from that state. Then you start to get that itch...you start to think "Hey, I'm a pretty decent person. I've been hurt but lets grow from it"...You resolve to try again.

Well, after a slightly false start, I think I'm at the point where I want to try again. It's been a year and a half...I think I've learned what I needed to learn and I'm ready to apply it. lol. Im fairly certain it's coming from a good place because I feel confident in myself. I'm not desperate. I'm not lonely. I'm just feeling ready to share myself again with someone else...let some of the walls down. I've always been a very guarded person anyway but I don't want to be controlled by that anymore.

For awhile I felt myself getting bitter and jaded and falling into that line of thinking "Well they're all the same". The mere fact that I am (or at least how I perceive myself to be) different from how I see most of the guys around here just says that I can't be the only one.

I've always had a very negative view of the gay community. I think it's all smoke and mirrors and 9.9 times out of 10, the people most heavily involved in the scene are the most insecure, messed up people you'll ever come across in life...not to mention the fakest. It's not a healthy, warm, inviting community. So I tend to project that view onto most guys. Most of the time, I'm right. I'm not one for going to clubs hangin out with "the girls" "spilling the t" and shit like that. I'm much more low key. I'd rather have my ass on the couch watchin a movie on a Friday night (mostly because I've gotta get up on Saturday morning and work) than to be shakin it fast to some old queen singing the same one line 98908987 million times to a beat that sounds like tin cans with some bass thrown in.


Not. For. Me.


So this brings me to my next post...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Moment, Please, for the Music Industry...

So basically I think the music industry is scum. lol. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO entirely SICK of hearing all these artists complaining about how their music is leaking and how much hard work and effort goes into producing a song/album/whatever. Well now call me silly but...AREN'T THEY RESPONSIBLE/IN CHARGE OF HANDLING THEIR OWN MUSIC?! They're the ones in the studio with the producers and engineers (and prob. about 15 ppl who are always in the room but no one can quite figure out why. I know this from personal experience). The drafts/final copies are burned onto a disc or emailed and saved onto the harddrive of whatever computer they're recorded on. So if the music is leaking, it's the artists/producer/engineers fault...not ours! Take your own music into your own hands and stop being lazy and leaving it up to other people. For YEARS this has been going on.

And I wish artists would STOP fucking putting all the garbage that leaks on official releases with minimal tweaks. Ciara and Toni Braxton are the two worst culprits I can think of for this. Ciara's "Fantasy Ride" album leaked mostly A FULL YEAR before she finally released it last March...with no new material. Toni Braxton's latest cd "Pulse" is another perfect example of this. That's just lazy and frankly, insulting to music buyers like me. I'll fully admit that I download EVERY SINGLE free song I can get my hands on by artists I like...but I'm also the first person to go to the store to buy official releases when they come out...provided they aren't garbage.

I also wish artists would stop trying to sell out for whatever the "in" sound is. Christina Aguilera is a good example for this. I think she's a dope artist. She oversings absolutely EVERYTHING but she can actually SING (which is SO rare) and she has a strong personality. However, she's probably the biggest copycat in the music industry. Her first album was that bubble gum pop that was popular at the time (a la Britney Spears/NYSNC, etc). Her second album was AMAZING but she made it known that she was working heavily with Linda Perry, who was being used HEAVILY by other artists before her and which caused Pink and Linda to stop speaking. Her third album was awful garbage but it capitalized off of the retro sound that was in heavy rotation. Now with "Bionic" she's capitalizing off of the Gaga momentum...and worse, her first two singles (which are awful in my opinion) she didn't even write. Both tracks are written by Esther Dean and produced by Polow Da Don (famous for leaking shit). To her credit, she USUALLY does put her own unique spin on things but her latest effort is just leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Her second single, "Woo Hoo" ft. Nicki (Garbage) Minaj, pisses me off particularly because I think it's sad to see a woman like Christina singing about her girly parts. That shit would've been cute on her second album but now that she's a grown woman and been in the business for so long, it's sad to see her resort to such obvious, overdone and very tired tactics. She needs to put her Woo Hoo back in her pants, stop dying that awful fried blond mop of hair and stop copying Madonna's videos and get back to SINGING.

I'm tired of people hearing that it's the masses who determine what's popular and what kind of music gets made, it's not. If enough artists stood up and did what they felt was good music and stopped trying to cater to 16 yr olds, enough people would react to quality music that it could still be a profitable, prospering business and people would WANT to buy cd's again instead of downloading it for free.

I'm just sayin though...

Saturday, May 8, 2010

a few words on immigrants/immigration

So Arizona has been in the news quite frequently lately for the new immigration laws they've passed. While I do NOT agree with certain aspects of it (civilian arrests now? REALLY though?!), I think it was certainly a step in the right direction. I think people who are here illegally have NO RIGHTS! I will say this until I'm blue in the face. Your ass should be deported back to wherever you came from. If you established roots here without bothering to become a legal citizen, that's your own problem and should have no effect on your outcome. I shouldn't have to pay for you to receive medical care or welfare or ANYTHING AT ALL! If my relatives could bother themselves to make the voyage here (which they did two generations ago) and become legal, productive citizens of the United States of America, then SO CAN YOU! Yes, I agree that these Arizona laws (lol) aren't pleasant, and probably NOT the best way to remedy the situation but it's a step in the right direction. Ridding the country of illegal immigrants isn't going to be a happy, pleasant experience and I'm sure that some peoples civil liberties will be infringed upon on the way but there is NO perfect solution. In order to acheive great things, great sacrifices must be made.

I'm sure this seems a bit pompous because I AM a citizen and my parents were born here but like I previously stated, my Grandparents emiggrated (sp) here from Armenia and Sweden, respectively, and became legal citizens. There's no reason why Mexicans (and any other group of people for that matter) cant be bothered to do the same. Frankly, I don't even think the process of the "anchor baby" should be adhered to anymore either. Rules and regulations are put in place for a reason and to get to the RIGHT solution, we have to start somewhere!

You make me wanna shout, make me wanna scream, make me wanna throw my hands up!

So the following are some of my biggest pet peeves...ever. Do any of them and you're bound to make my blood boil. There are, of course, a few exceptions.

-the word "purchase" and people who use it.
-Bluetooths
-people who wear sunglasses in the club/at night
-people who wear colored contacts
-people who talk loudly on their cellphones in public areas
-people who wear extra large or extra small clothing
-black pants with brown shoes or vice versa
-unecessary messiness
-people who don't have their money/credit card readily available when they get to the counter (paying for shit shouldn't be a surprise and I shouldn't have to wait forever for you to figure out how you're paying for your "purchase"). LOL
-Slow drivers (tho I do not drive, so I shouldn't complain)
-people who consistently play the race card.
-Ed Hardy anything (except undies. I like the undies.)

These are just a few, I'm sure I'll add more later.