Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I'm not abnormal

So I'm talking to my Mom last night and she launches into this schpeal about how her and my Dad are concerned because I'm going to be 31 and I don't have a boyfriend...

Now I'm a tough bitch.  But I guess this is a particularly sensitive issue for me because it really got under my skin after we got off the phone.  Honestly, I'd love to be in a relationship.  I would absolutely LOVE to meet a man that I would look forward to seeing all the time, sharing my life and love with, making a foundation for marriage and all that other shit people are supposed to do.  Keyboard being SUPPOSED to do.  I have NEVER EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE been the kind of person that does things because they're supposed to.  That's about TEN good reasons enough for me to NOT do something.  But I digress...

Why am I not in a relationship?  I don't know-there's, like, ten reasons I can think of off the top of my head.

1.I just don't feel like I'm ready.  Getting to know someone on a romantic level requires a lot of effort and intent.  The desire has to be present.  It just isn't there for me right now.  I'm enjoying being single.  I spent the last 4 years living with someone I broke up with after being with them for 3 years.  A bitch would like to breathe for a good minute before I decide to start doing all of that again.

2.  I'm pretty sure I give off the vibe that I'm not ready.  Am I attracting guys that want to date me? Sure.  I did some casual dating over the summer.  I've had some offers come up since then.  But the line is around the block and down the street for guys who want to sleep with me, so apparently that must be what i'm putting off into the universe.  Sex? very easy to get.  Dates?  not so much.

3.Games.  I hate playing them.  I have a 6th sense of being able to calling bullshit on someone. and I really and truly lack the patience to deal with any kind of foolishness.  I'm so ready for it that sometimes I may even sense it when its not there.  Have I been irreparably scarred by my past?  It's possible.  Do I care enough to figure it out right now?  Not really.

4.  Above all else, I value my independence.  I worked so hard in college, the only time I went home was on the winter break.  I left college to move in with my bf at the time and spent 8 years playing house.  When that situation ended, it would've been the perfect time to go home and live with my parents while I licked my wounds and figured out my next move.  What did I do instead?  A bitch got his hustle on, got a promotion and got his very own first apartment.  I think that everyone has to get their own shit in order at some point in their lives and I look around at my peers and don't see a lot of that going on.  I'm 30 (about to be 31) with a job I love that pays my bills. I live in an apartment that I pay for, the lease is in MY name only.  All my bills are in MY name and my name only.  So if you're not on that level, what are you offering me?  I don't really want to do date a dude who has three roommates and works two different jobs.  I respect your hustle and we all gotta do what we gotta do but I bust my ass to keep my head above water.  I would really like to be with someone who is doing the same.

5.  I have baggage.  I'm cultured...experienced...I've been around the block.  I know what works for me and what doesn't.  I'm always open to new experiences and such but I AM kind of set in my ways.  I have a whole life I've accumulated in this apartment I live in.  I can't have you in my life if you're going to be like a bull in a china shop.  Speak low and tread softly...or whatever the expression is.  I'm not the most overly affectionate person but pay attention to my actions.  They'll tell you everything you need to know

That's only 5 but damn I'm getting long winded.  lol.  I just wish my parents weren't trying to push me into codependence or something.  Sure, they got married when they were 20 and had me when they were 21 and have been married since.  I'm over a decade older than that and nowhere near that level.  Who cares?  Maybe I'm not meant to meet my one great love and spend happily ever after doing God knows what!  I'm kind of at peace with that.  I'm certainly not less of a person because I don't have a boyfriend.