Happier Than I've Ever Been

Soooo... I'm happy.  ::looks meekishly around::  Weird, right?

I turned 30, got a big promotion, moved out into my own apartment by myself, lost some weight and have been on a few awesome dates with this great guy.  I kind of feel like tons of emotional baggage disappeared once I moved out and away from Billy.  I didn't even realize how much that situation was holding me back.  I've grown socially leaps and bounds and I just FEEL better about myself!  I'm not worried about embarrassing anyone or trying to figure out what mental state and mood anyone is in.  I don't feel uncomfortable in my own home.  Now I won't lie and say that I don't miss our friendship, because I really do, but I think it was a little... unhealthy.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll meet up and be friends again but maybe our radio silence is a good thing.  I really hope that we can be friends.  I definitely acknowledge my part in what I believe is one of the reasons we aren't speaking and I do owe him an apology for that but I think he definitely owes me an apology and an explanation.  It's always the WHYS of things that keep me hanging out.

I don't understand WHY we aren't speaking, which is what has been bothering me, but I'm so tired of always trying to play psychic with him.  If you, as a grown man, can't communicate your feelings and have to resort to passive aggressive, juvenile behavior, that's a reflection of YOU and not ME. and it took me suuuuuch a long time to understand that.  I'm not angry at him and I definitely wish him the best but I'm SO happy to FINALLY be doing me.

I spent last week in San Francisco getting some job training but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I got to see Nathan!!!!  I"VE MISSED HIM SO MUCH and we had such a freakin blast while I was there.  It was really refreshing.  I did miss Laqueesha a lot while I was out there so i was SUPER happy when my Mom brought her home early when I got back.  We had an awesome day shopping together afterwards. Then tonight I had my 3rd date with... him ;)  It's seriously been SO LONG since I've met someone I actually wanted to go on 3 dates with. lol.  He makes me laugh, he's fucking gorgeous, he has a job he's passionate about and MOST IMPORTANTLY, he LOVES dogs and has two of his own. He's a new cultural experience for me(he's Dominican, not a "brutha". lmao) but I'm really liking the change.  It falls right in line with everything else that's happened so far this year.  It seems silly to gush about something in such early stages but I just feel so good about everything.

I know bumps in the road are gonna be coming soon but right now I'm just happy to be feeling at peace and breathing in the fresh air with the sun shining.  :)  It's long overdue.

THIS!

This sums it up. lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HowlAlZoIF4

Race

So color me naive...or something else mean but I really don't get certain arguments involving race.  I was just on le Twitter and I saw a tweet from a certain celebrity (I won't say who cuz I'm ashamed to admit that this person and I follow each other, lol) and it said something along the lines of "It's disgusting how VH1 and Bravo are making millions off of these black women acting like fools".  I also didn't want to single this person out because I've heard/read this statement SOOOOO many times before and I don't want people to get bogged down with WHO said it. Regardless of who says it, I still don't understand it. Why would you expect someone to act a certain way SOLELY because of their race?  You don't hear white people complaining about the women on these shows. "Ooo girl, did you SEE Kyle being a bitch at that party?  She's making all us white girls look bad!".  WTF?! lol.  You'd never hear something like that come out of a white persons mouth.  I've never heard anything like that come out of my mouth (and believe me, a lot of shit comes out of my mouth) about that Shahs of Sunset show and how it represents Middle Eastern people.  So what if they're all materialistic and talk shit about each other?  They're only representing THEMSELVES.  Do you hear me complaining about Rob on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" being a directionless mooch and how he's doing a horrible job representing us Armenians?  No, because he's not representing Armenians.  He's representing HIMSELF.  That's all anyone should care about.  If you're seeking role models and sources of inspiration, reality tv is probably the LAST place you should be looking.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world", I think Ghandi said that.  And it's true.  If you want positive role models for your race (which doesn't even seem like a good idea to me but, hey, lets go with it) then conduct YOURSELF in whatever manner you deem positive.  But no one should ever judge someone else on how they get their paycheck.  You have to hustle hard in this world to provide for yourself and your loved ones.  Some hustles are more respectable than others but as long as its legal and legit, then no one should knock anyone elses hustle.

I'm a bad gay...

The more I read/see/hear about gay culture, the more I'm convinced that I'm clearly a malfunctioning homosexual.  I've always had a knack for zigging when others zag.  Sometimes I even do it on purpose.  But really I'm just fed up.  I was just watching "Beginners" the story of a man who's father comes out at the age of 75 after his wife dies.  I was expecting something interesting, something different...dare I say, something positive.  Maybe it got there eventually but I shut it off before it was over because it pissed me off.  Not even in a movie about a 75 year old man coming out can we have a representation of homosexuality that doesn't include promiscuity and "open relationships".  Now some may regard it as natural and a lot of people I consider friends don't have a problem with this notion of "open relationships".  I, however, don't find it particularly "avant garde" and am thoroughly disgusted with the thought.  I would never and will never accept this as normal.  It's a lazy persons way of accepting cheating.  If you can't be bothered to commit yourself to a monogamous relationship, then what on EARTH COULD YOU POSSIBLY OFFER ME?!  Monogamy is saying that while you can acknowledge that there are millions of other attractive people in the world that under single circumstances you'd sleep with, you love and respect me enough to not do so.  You're offering yourself and commitment and respecting our bond and my personal health and emotional well-being enough to keep your dick in your pants and be with only me.  There is absolutely NO challenge in having an "open relationship".  You're bringing nothing to the table.  You're inviting drama, STDS, jealousy and abandonment issues to run amuk, however.  If this is where my people are taking me, then PLEASE leave me the fuck behind.

But I'm really tired of people looking down on me because I don't want to be a 30 year old shaking my ass in the club every weekend and daring to offer commitment and truth to my suitors.  I will NEVER apologize for demanding the same amount of respect that I give.  I'm also tired of people saying they want to be "friends" and the next thing I know, I've got 3 sexts in my inbox all out of nowhere.  ATTENTION GAY MEN : FRIENDS DO NOT SLEEP WITH FRIENDS. THOSE ARE CALLED FUCK BUDDIES.  WHEN I WANT ONE, I"LL BE VERY UPFRONT ABOUT THAT.

I feel like I have to get all of this out since Pride is right around the corner.  No, I won't be participating in any of those awful events.  To me, it's sad that the one day a year the gays get the most press is the same day that my people ride public transportation in chains, whips and assless chaps...or duct tape their titties and chain smoke as if it's all in a days work...or are 40 years old shaking their flat ass in a pair of speedos on top of a float with awful house music blaring out of a set of speakers...or are morbidly obese dressed as a woman in an outfit that not even a real woman would wear...or even just the simple regular looking joe handing out condom packets to people.  Is there anything more belittling that being handed a condom packet?  Listen, if you're not smart enough to wrap your dick up before you stick it inside someone, or dont demand that someone wear one before they stick themselves inside of you, then you deserve every disease you get.  For every action, there is a consequence.  If you aren't ready for those consequences, change your actions.  It's very simple.  What the world needs is more self control and self respect, not more excuses for poor behavior.

Sex vs Love

Ahh man. More relationship type stuff. haha. Sometimes I wonder if I think about anything else. So this weekend I went to DC for the first time...but this blog entry won't be about that. On the very long bus ride, I had plenty of time to think about things. One of those things I got to thinking about was sex. It kinda made me miss it...well, specifically sex with someone I love. Sex is just so much better with someone you have a connection with. I don't mean the sort of connection where you're just insanely attracted to someone and can't wait to jump their bones. I mean the sort of attraction where you actually give a shit what they think...you don't want them to leave the immediate second after the deed is done...the kind of connection where you can just close your eyes and let go. I miss being close to someone on that level. I still don't feel like I'm emotionally ready for a relationship but I'm getting closer. If anything I wish I just had that kind of cut buddy type of friend. Not really someone you have sex with all the time but just someone you can kick it with and sometimes you sleep together and it's never weird. The friendship is there and the sex is there but none of the relationship baggage. People don't seem to get that these days though.

I guess I'll just keep doin what I've been doin: Me.

SOUND OFF!!

Ok, before reading this, I want everyone to go read this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marten-weber/gay-racism_b_1295368.html?ref=gay-voices&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008

Wow. What an atrocious piece of shit masking itself as social commentary. First of all, to base a professional article off of observations on a sex site (which is all grindr is. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a ho) is just sad and very lazy. and OF COURSE it had to be written by a fat, white gay guy. I'd really like to buy him a dictionary because being racist has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with not being attracted to people based on size and age (see size discrimination and ageism if you're confused). A personal preference does not equal an act of racism/size discrimination or ageism.

Secondly, the author commits the exact behavior that he's writing about condemning. You can't base your travels off of reactions (again, on sex sites) to photographs you post and expect to get an accurate representation of racial tolerance. That's the ultimate act of the pot calling the kettle black. Judgey Mary much? Would I not visit London as an American of Middle Eastern descent because I went on Grindr one day and no one liked my photo? I'd be a FOOL!

Also, the claim that gay men tend to be attracted to qualities that they themselves posses or would like to shouldn't be solely based as a tendency of gay men...EVERYONE does that to a degree. It's important in any healthy, functional relationship to share similar qualities/goals/values. Also, to quote Edmund White (another fat, white gay guy), who ties homosexuality in with his own incestuous feelings, is not what I would consider solid ground for the basis of an argument. The quote reads "The first act of homosexual love, then, is impersonation.". No surprise here, I also disagree. I've been in what I would consider three serious relationships thus far in my life, NONE of which I would consider any form of impersonation. I've always prided myself on being my own individual and have usually always done things on my own terms, peer pressure be damned. To diminish an entire sexual population as a gaggle of followers is insulting. It's unfortunate that Mr. White and Mr. Weber don't seem to have lived a positive homosexual experience. While it's very easy to fall into the trap of saying that 'all gay guys are the same", even I'm guilty of this at times, it simply doesn't ring true.

and lastly, really all the article proves is that gay people are just like everyone else. We all like what we like and sometimes it's very particular and not all inclusive. That's what makes the world go round. How boring life would be if we were all attracted to the same things. The expression reads "variety is the spice of life" for a reason. The author should be concerned as coming off as bitter and focus on being in the happy, committed, interracial relationship he claims to be in.

Comment away!

Happy New Year

So I'm 8 days late, whatever. It was a nice boring New Year...just sat and watched the ball drop on tv with my roomate. I had REALLY wanted to go out on this cruise with fireworks over the harbor but the tickets were sold out. It's funny that I even wanted to do anything but oh well. My birthday was pretty great. I'm another year older! haha.

I don't really have any deep thoughts I wanted to express here...just wanted to acknowledge that another year has passed and another is already into it's 2nd week. haha. I'm not going to set any goals that I want to accomplish this year for myself (because I didn't really accomplish any of the ones I set for myself in an entry last year.) but I will say that this year I just want to have a generally positive experience...just all around positive energy and forward motion, always progressing and no expectations. I'd say that's pretty reasonable, wouldn't you?