However, I got to thinking about some of these relationships...and I started to feel, once again, that I'm a little bit taken for granted. Take for instance my roomate. We have a unique history but the fact of the matter is that today, THIS very day, we are friends. What I consider close friends. We know each other's daily business, the complications and the joys...but then I started thinking that it's been quite one sided for some time now. I always opening share my feelings, experiences, desires and i expect the same in return. Communication has pretty much always been an issue for us but I've adjusted my expectations to fit him and the type of person that he is, which is one who doesn't really communicate at all. He internalizes pretty much everything and he's very selfish. But I love him and accept him for that but I just wish that he could adjust his expectations for dealing with me a little. Think outside of himself. Maybe I don't always want to be the one who cleans the house. It would be SO NICE for him to come up with a plan for something for us to do instead of me always making the plan, picking the day and time and the follow through. It's exhausting.
He's also very inconsiderate. I understand that we are roomates and friends and that I don't have the right nor is it necessary that I know where he is and what he's doing at all hours of the day. However, I think that lately he's been extra uncourtious (is that a word?) coming in at late hours (when he knows I go to bed early because I get up for work early)..and he never attempts to include me in any sort of plans he makes with other people. Whenever we hang out, it's always either just the two of us or it's MY friends who accompany us. Now again, I'm not the easiest person to get along with and I generally dont associate with the same types of people that he does, but a little effort goes a long way. Do I think it's fun to go to a gay karaoke bar and hang out with losers with no real jobs to speak of every Wednesday night as he does? No. Do I think it's fun to go out drinking with a group of people as he often does? You bet your ass I do! So why do I never get invited?
I've made it such a point to include him in my life that my family gives him a present every year at Christmas. Every Thanksgiving he's there (granted, he's usually doing the cooking) but he's really a part of my family at this point. He's even invited to my cousins wedding! So why do I not fit that role in his life? If we were to separate and move away from each otehr, would we still keep in contact? I feel uncertain at this point...I know that I would want to. Why am I so insecure about this? and why do these issues continually pop up throughout the history of our relationship?
There are only so many times you can go around the same merry-go-round before you have to get off and evaluate things. Why continues to put forth effort into a friendship that maybe the other person isn't interested in maintaing? What if they simply look at it as a friendship/roomate of conveinance? Dont pretend to be my friend but not really give a shit either way about me. That's not ok.
I hold myself in the highest esteem. I am the loyalest person you could ever meet. So why do I not have relationships in my life that reflect that?
I'm tired of struggling with this.
