Saturday, September 24, 2011

Pale September


"And all my armour fallin down in a pile at my feet..."

That's pretty much how life is going for me lately. I feel like I'm in this weird stage, at the age of 28, of re-figuring out some core things about myself. I'm basically a hermit living in this big city. The only people I spend any time with regularly are my sister and my roomate...which, lets face it, are both pretty built in support systems. They're both have to spend time with me, sort of obligation I guess...which doesn't bring forth too many rosey, warm feelings. lol. I dunno, I'm finding more and more that the things I enjoy and love are pretty much solitary activities. Listening to music, reading books, keeping up with politics and news aren't really things you grab a friend or two to do.

I guess the problem I have is this weird dilemma...or pressure I feel from people/society/whatever that I SHOULD have regular social interactions with people I'm not forced to see. I just dont have the desire, I guess. The only area where I feel like I actually AM lacking something is in the significant other department. "I Get So Lonely" (sang it Janet! lol) sometimes. I mean, at 28, this is the prime time for settling down. This is the age when most people do it or start thinking about settling down with their "boo". I currently have no prospects. haha. The way I live my life doesn't really lend itself to meeting anyone either. I wake up, I go to work, I go home. Sometimes I go out for coffee or to go shopping. But I always have an agenda and I tend not to stray from it. I've also been told a time or two that I don't come across as approachable. I have profiles on a few websites but all that seems to lead to is a night or two of sex...which is nice but sex doesn't lead to a walk down the aisle.

I didn't even realize that maybe I would want to get married one day until about a week ago. I was talking to my Mom and she was telling me about this wedding that she had went to that had a lot of gay male married couples in it. She said to me "I can't wait until the day when I can talk about my married gay son" and how she hoped that I would one day find someone that I'd want to call my husband. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hang up. It seems like a corny, stereotypical response but it's truly how I felt. All through my teens and most of my twenties I had boyfriends. For going on 3 years now, I've been single. I've definitely made peace with it and I'm for sure comfortable being on my own...but I think I've gotten too used to being on my own and I don't know how to open myself back up to meeting men and being approachable. Part of the problem is me and part of the problem is everyone else. No exageration here, I don't know any gay couples. None.

and not to blame my problems on outside factors. I think anyone who knows me knows that I have no problem accepting my faults. I'm not really an "excuse" person. I do think there's something weird about Boston though. This city is not a warm, welcoming city. It's not easy to meet people here because everyone has an agenda...and everyone comes across as non-approachable (so I guess I fit in, in that regard). I remember when I lived in Houston, everyone was so friendly. I only lived there for a short time and I had way more friends than I do after having lived here since the top of 2007. I'm not asking for a miracle nor do I expect or want to change myself in any way that's not authentic but there's GOT to be someone in a 20 mile radius who's genuine, has shared interests that we can both find each other attractive. lol.