tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67703503292099782692024-02-07T15:49:02.927-08:00Durrty LaundrayDeucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-44702805636988675742013-11-20T18:30:00.000-08:002013-11-20T18:30:50.843-08:00I'm not abnormalSo I'm talking to my Mom last night and she launches into this schpeal about how her and my Dad are concerned because I'm going to be 31 and I don't have a boyfriend...<br />
<br />
Now I'm a tough bitch. But I guess this is a particularly sensitive issue for me because it really got under my skin after we got off the phone. Honestly, I'd love to be in a relationship. I would absolutely LOVE to meet a man that I would look forward to seeing all the time, sharing my life and love with, making a foundation for marriage and all that other shit people are supposed to do. Keyboard being SUPPOSED to do. I have NEVER EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE been the kind of person that does things because they're supposed to. That's about TEN good reasons enough for me to NOT do something. But I digress...<br />
<br />
Why am I not in a relationship? I don't know-there's, like, ten reasons I can think of off the top of my head.<br />
<br />
1.I just don't feel like I'm ready. Getting to know someone on a romantic level requires a lot of effort and intent. The desire has to be present. It just isn't there for me right now. I'm enjoying being single. I spent the last 4 years living with someone I broke up with after being with them for 3 years. A bitch would like to breathe for a good minute before I decide to start doing all of that again.<br />
<br />
2. I'm pretty sure I give off the vibe that I'm not ready. Am I attracting guys that want to date me? Sure. I did some casual dating over the summer. I've had some offers come up since then. But the line is around the block and down the street for guys who want to sleep with me, so apparently that must be what i'm putting off into the universe. Sex? very easy to get. Dates? not so much. <br />
<br />
3.Games. I hate playing them. I have a 6th sense of being able to calling bullshit on someone. and I really and truly lack the patience to deal with any kind of foolishness. I'm so ready for it that sometimes I may even sense it when its not there. Have I been irreparably scarred by my past? It's possible. Do I care enough to figure it out right now? Not really.<br />
<br />
4. Above all else, I value my independence. I worked so hard in college, the only time I went home was on the winter break. I left college to move in with my bf at the time and spent 8 years playing house. When that situation ended, it would've been the perfect time to go home and live with my parents while I licked my wounds and figured out my next move. What did I do instead? A bitch got his hustle on, got a promotion and got his very own first apartment. I think that everyone has to get their own shit in order at some point in their lives and I look around at my peers and don't see a lot of that going on. I'm 30 (about to be 31) with a job I love that pays my bills. I live in an apartment that I pay for, the lease is in MY name only. All my bills are in MY name and my name only. So if you're not on that level, what are you offering me? I don't really want to do date a dude who has three roommates and works two different jobs. I respect your hustle and we all gotta do what we gotta do but I bust my ass to keep my head above water. I would really like to be with someone who is doing the same. <br />
<br />
5. I have baggage. I'm cultured...experienced...I've been around the block. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I'm always open to new experiences and such but I AM kind of set in my ways. I have a whole life I've accumulated in this apartment I live in. I can't have you in my life if you're going to be like a bull in a china shop. Speak low and tread softly...or whatever the expression is. I'm not the most overly affectionate person but pay attention to my actions. They'll tell you everything you need to know<br />
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That's only 5 but damn I'm getting long winded. lol. I just wish my parents weren't trying to push me into codependence or something. Sure, they got married when they were 20 and had me when they were 21 and have been married since. I'm over a decade older than that and nowhere near that level. Who cares? Maybe I'm not meant to meet my one great love and spend happily ever after doing God knows what! I'm kind of at peace with that. I'm certainly not less of a person because I don't have a boyfriend.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-10199731457267551842013-10-05T21:07:00.001-07:002013-10-05T21:07:39.554-07:00still there...Dear sir that used to be my best friend,<br />
<br />
You're still following my blog and I wish you weren't because it hurts to see your picture.<br />
<br />
I recently went through my things and threw out every card, gift tag, letter, and note that you ever gave me because it hurt too much to hold on to them. I gave away all the stuffed animals and clothes you ever bought me. I even got rid of those really nice Ben Sherman sneakers that we bought matching pairs of. I'm also considering changing cell phone providers so that I REALLY will never have an excuse to see you again but a part of me thinks that's a little drastic and crazy (which I am. but only in the fun way).<br />
<br />
I'm not sure that I'll ever be ok with you not being around to share all the awesome things that are happening in my life or that I'll ever stop missing our friendship...but I have to try.<br />
<br />
and while a really big part of me hates you, a bigger part of me hopes that you're really happy and wishes nothing but the best for you.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-50211792397391669542013-07-22T19:21:00.001-07:002013-07-22T19:21:09.585-07:00No witty title tonight, folks...Independence is so nice but it sure doesn't keep a bitch warm at night...<br />
<br />
I went and saw Billy today because I wanted a new phone. Did I need to go ALL the way to his store? Absolutely not. But I just keep hoping that we'll reconnect and things will go back to some sort of semblance of what it used to be. He was nice enough but I could tell that he didn't really want to help me. I just have such a small understanding of our situation I'm not sure, at this point, that I'll ever get to a place where it doesn't bother me.<br />
<br />
I went down to the Pier to stare off at the water and just think about some things. I was remembering all the fun we used to have. Then I came home and I started looking around at all the junk in my apartment. It's all mine. I paid for it all. My cable is on, my phone is on, my electricity is on. I sleep on expensive sheets, I'm not missing any meals, my dog is well taken care of, I have my share of suitors...but just the absence of ONE friend, a friend that I held so near and dear to my heart, makes being independent sooo... not that big a deal. Yes, I have great new friends that I've met whom I enjoy spending time with but there's nothing like having that friend you can have a whole conversation with and not use many words... the friend who says what you're thinking before you can say it first...the friend where when something funny happens you just look at each other and bust out laughing. Billy was that friend. I miss that friend.<br />
<br />
Had we had some sort of epic quarrel, or any fight at all, I could maybe try and make peace with this. But I really feel like I'm being beat over the head time and time again with what's staring me right in the face and I STILL DON'T GET IT. I think that being rejected by a friend is worse than being rejected by a lover or suitor. It has it's own harsh sting that's still lingering for me. Maybe its selfish of me to wish that he'd give me some sort of closure because I knooooow he's not capable of giving it to me. But even if I could just get an email from him explaining WHY we don't speak, why doesn't he want to speak, I could have something to justify all this radio silence. <br />
<br />
Why do I keep beating a horse that's clearly dead? Do I continue to let this bother me so much because I feel so at peace with everything else in my life? <br />
<br />
I just want my friend back.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-72837471494757630692013-04-10T20:47:00.001-07:002013-07-28T19:23:43.708-07:00Happier Than I've Ever BeenSoooo... I'm happy. ::looks meekishly around:: Weird, right?<br />
<br />
I turned 30, got a big promotion, moved out into my own apartment by myself, lost some weight and have been on a few awesome dates with this great guy. I kind of feel like tons of emotional baggage disappeared once I moved out and away from Billy. I didn't even realize how much that situation was holding me back. I've grown socially leaps and bounds and I just FEEL better about myself! I'm not worried about embarrassing anyone or trying to figure out what mental state and mood anyone is in. I don't feel uncomfortable in my own home. Now I won't lie and say that I don't miss our friendship, because I really do, but I think it was a little... unhealthy. Who knows, maybe one day we'll meet up and be friends again but maybe our radio silence is a good thing. I really hope that we can be friends. I definitely acknowledge my part in what I believe is one of the reasons we aren't speaking and I do owe him an apology for that but I think he definitely owes me an apology and an explanation. It's always the WHYS of things that keep me hanging out.<br />
<br />
I don't understand WHY we aren't speaking, which is what has been bothering me, but I'm so tired of always trying to play psychic with him. If you, as a grown man, can't communicate your feelings and have to resort to passive aggressive, juvenile behavior, that's a reflection of YOU and not ME. and it took me suuuuuch a long time to understand that. I'm not angry at him and I definitely wish him the best but I'm SO happy to FINALLY be doing me.<br />
<br />
I spent last week in San Francisco getting some job training but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I got to see Nathan!!!! I"VE MISSED HIM SO MUCH and we had such a freakin blast while I was there. It was really refreshing. I did miss Laqueesha a lot while I was out there so i was SUPER happy when my Mom brought her home early when I got back. We had an awesome day shopping together afterwards. Then tonight I had my 3rd date with... him ;) It's seriously been SO LONG since I've met someone I actually wanted to go on 3 dates with. lol.<br />
<br />
I know bumps in the road are gonna be coming soon but right now I'm just happy to be feeling at peace and breathing in the fresh air with the sun shining. :) It's long overdue.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-55818004454920316712012-12-18T06:05:00.002-08:002012-12-18T06:05:52.361-08:00THIS!This sums it up. lol<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HowlAlZoIF4Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-43830509605912833622012-07-01T11:36:00.000-07:002012-07-01T11:36:06.104-07:00RaceSo color me naive...or something else mean but I really don't get certain arguments involving race. I was just on le Twitter and I saw a tweet from a certain celebrity (I won't say who cuz I'm ashamed to admit that this person and I follow each other, lol) and it said something along the lines of "It's disgusting how VH1 and Bravo are making millions off of these black women acting like fools". I also didn't want to single this person out because I've heard/read this statement SOOOOO many times before and I don't want people to get bogged down with WHO said it. Regardless of who says it, I still don't understand it. Why would you expect someone to act a certain way SOLELY because of their race? You don't hear white people complaining about the women on these shows. "Ooo girl, did you SEE Kyle being a bitch at that party? She's making all us white girls look bad!". WTF?! lol. You'd never hear something like that come out of a white persons mouth. I've never heard anything like that come out of my mouth (and believe me, a lot of shit comes out of my mouth) about that Shahs of Sunset show and how it represents Middle Eastern people. So what if they're all materialistic and talk shit about each other? They're only representing THEMSELVES. Do you hear me complaining about Rob on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" being a directionless mooch and how he's doing a horrible job representing us Armenians? No, because he's not representing Armenians. He's representing HIMSELF. That's all anyone should care about. If you're seeking role models and sources of inspiration, reality tv is probably the LAST place you should be looking. <br />
<br />
"Be the change you wish to see in the world", I think Ghandi said that. And it's true. If you want positive role models for your race (which doesn't even seem like a good idea to me but, hey, lets go with it) then conduct YOURSELF in whatever manner you deem positive. But no one should ever judge someone else on how they get their paycheck. You have to hustle hard in this world to provide for yourself and your loved ones. Some hustles are more respectable than others but as long as its legal and legit, then no one should knock anyone elses hustle.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-4840332394446494472012-05-26T17:28:00.001-07:002012-05-26T17:28:22.988-07:00I'm a bad gay...The more I read/see/hear about gay culture, the more I'm convinced that I'm clearly a malfunctioning homosexual. I've always had a knack for zigging when others zag. Sometimes I even do it on purpose. But really I'm just fed up. I was just watching "Beginners" the story of a man who's father comes out at the age of 75 after his wife dies. I was expecting something interesting, something different...dare I say, something positive. Maybe it got there eventually but I shut it off before it was over because it pissed me off. Not even in a movie about a 75 year old man coming out can we have a representation of homosexuality that doesn't include promiscuity and "open relationships". Now some may regard it as natural and a lot of people I consider friends don't have a problem with this notion of "open relationships". I, however, don't find it particularly "avant garde" and am thoroughly disgusted with the thought. I would never and will never accept this as normal. It's a lazy persons way of accepting cheating. If you can't be bothered to commit yourself to a monogamous relationship, then what on EARTH COULD YOU POSSIBLY OFFER ME?! Monogamy is saying that while you can acknowledge that there are millions of other attractive people in the world that under single circumstances you'd sleep with, you love and respect me enough to not do so. You're offering yourself and commitment and respecting our bond and my personal health and emotional well-being enough to keep your dick in your pants and be with only me. There is absolutely NO challenge in having an "open relationship". You're bringing nothing to the table. You're inviting drama, STDS, jealousy and abandonment issues to run amuk, however. If this is where my people are taking me, then PLEASE leave me the fuck behind.<br />
<br />
But I'm really tired of people looking down on me because I don't want to be a 30 year old shaking my ass in the club every weekend and daring to offer commitment and truth to my suitors. I will NEVER apologize for demanding the same amount of respect that I give. I'm also tired of people saying they want to be "friends" and the next thing I know, I've got 3 sexts in my inbox all out of nowhere. ATTENTION GAY MEN : FRIENDS DO NOT SLEEP WITH FRIENDS. THOSE ARE CALLED FUCK BUDDIES. WHEN I WANT ONE, I"LL BE VERY UPFRONT ABOUT THAT.<br />
<br />
I feel like I have to get all of this out since Pride is right around the corner. No, I won't be participating in any of those awful events. To me, it's sad that the one day a year the gays get the most press is the same day that my people ride public transportation in chains, whips and assless chaps...or duct tape their titties and chain smoke as if it's all in a days work...or are 40 years old shaking their flat ass in a pair of speedos on top of a float with awful house music blaring out of a set of speakers...or are morbidly obese dressed as a woman in an outfit that not even a real woman would wear...or even just the simple regular looking joe handing out condom packets to people. Is there anything more belittling that being handed a condom packet? Listen, if you're not smart enough to wrap your dick up before you stick it inside someone, or dont demand that someone wear one before they stick themselves inside of you, then you deserve every disease you get. For every action, there is a consequence. If you aren't ready for those consequences, change your actions. It's very simple. What the world needs is more self control and self respect, not more excuses for poor behavior.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-63292295239034752062012-03-07T18:19:00.001-08:002012-03-07T18:19:49.666-08:00Sex vs LoveAhh man. More relationship type stuff. haha. Sometimes I wonder if I think about anything else. So this weekend I went to DC for the first time...but this blog entry won't be about that. On the very long bus ride, I had plenty of time to think about things. One of those things I got to thinking about was sex. It kinda made me miss it...well, specifically sex with someone I love. Sex is just so much better with someone you have a connection with. I don't mean the sort of connection where you're just insanely attracted to someone and can't wait to jump their bones. I mean the sort of attraction where you actually give a shit what they think...you don't want them to leave the immediate second after the deed is done...the kind of connection where you can just close your eyes and let go. I miss being close to someone on that level. I still don't feel like I'm emotionally ready for a relationship but I'm getting closer. If anything I wish I just had that kind of cut buddy type of friend. Not really someone you have sex with all the time but just someone you can kick it with and sometimes you sleep together and it's never weird. The friendship is there and the sex is there but none of the relationship baggage. People don't seem to get that these days though.<div><br /></div><div>I guess I'll just keep doin what I've been doin: Me.</div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-62822472279397836632012-02-25T17:14:00.003-08:002012-02-26T06:19:00.477-08:00SOUND OFF!!<span style="font-size: 100%; "><b>Ok, before reading this, I want everyone to go read this article:</b></span><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marten-weber/gay-racism_b_1295368.html?ref=gay-voices&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marten-weber/gay-racism_b_1295368.html?ref=gay-voices&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008</a> </b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b>Wow. What an atrocious piece of shit masking itself as social commentary. First of all, to base a professional article off of observations on a sex site (which is all grindr is. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a ho) is just sad and very lazy. and OF COURSE it had to be written by a fat, white gay guy. I'd really like to buy him a dictionary because being racist has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with not being attracted to people based on size and age (see size discrimination and ageism if you're confused). A personal preference does not equal an act of racism/size discrimination or ageism.</b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b>Secondly, the author commits the exact behavior that he's writing about condemning. You can't base your travels off of reactions (again, on sex sites) to photographs you post and expect to get an accurate representation of racial tolerance. That's the ultimate act of the pot calling the kettle black. Judgey Mary much? Would I not visit London as an American of Middle Eastern descent because I went on Grindr one day and no one liked my photo? I'd be a FOOL!</b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b><br /></b></div><div><span style="font-size: 100%; "><b>Also, the claim that gay men tend to be attracted to qualities that they themselves posses or would like to shouldn't be solely based as a tendency of gay men...EVERYONE does that to a degree. It's important in any healthy, functional relationship to share similar qualities/goals/values. Also, to quote Edmund White (another fat, white gay guy), who ties homosexuality in with his own incestuous feelings, is not what I would consider solid ground for the basis of an argument. The quote reads</b></span><span style="font-weight: normal; font-size: 100%; "> "</span><span style="font-weight: normal; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: Georgia, Century, Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; ">The first act of homosexual love, then, is impersonation.". </span><span style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); line-height: 20px; " ><b>No surprise here, I also disagree. I've been in what I would consider three serious relationships thus far in my life, NONE of which I would consider any form of impersonation. I've always prided myself on being my own individual and have usually always done things on my own terms, peer pressure be damned. To diminish an entire sexual population as a gaggle of followers is insulting. It's unfortunate that Mr. White and Mr. Weber don't seem to have lived a positive homosexual experience. While it's very easy to fall into the trap of saying that 'all gay guys are the same", even I'm guilty of this at times, it simply doesn't ring true.</b></span></div><div style="font-weight: normal; font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><br /></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b>and lastly, really all the article proves is that gay people are just like everyone else. We all like what we like and sometimes it's very particular and not all inclusive. That's what makes the world go round. How boring life would be if we were all attracted to the same things. The expression reads "variety is the spice of life" for a reason. The author should be concerned as coming off as bitter and focus on being in the happy, committed, interracial relationship he claims to be in. </b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "><b>Comment away! </b></div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-71276725793388118732012-01-08T16:09:00.000-08:002012-01-08T16:17:48.897-08:00Happy New Year<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj71mp7Akhm9u9BbEGC179xCsQCp8Tiy0V9FAHKctOUngbZttm2EO-tdGkLSF1k-x7Jkav3E2jeCHf2iDi0sISMF9f_QsMK-qyd6bPbbrtQmjP6do11-KKOcQL6OD5jliM15YSsNpYIQptK/s1600/DSCF0329.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj71mp7Akhm9u9BbEGC179xCsQCp8Tiy0V9FAHKctOUngbZttm2EO-tdGkLSF1k-x7Jkav3E2jeCHf2iDi0sISMF9f_QsMK-qyd6bPbbrtQmjP6do11-KKOcQL6OD5jliM15YSsNpYIQptK/s200/DSCF0329.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695419825856209122" /></a><br />So I'm 8 days late, whatever. It was a nice boring New Year...just sat and watched the ball drop on tv with my roomate. I had REALLY wanted to go out on this cruise with fireworks over the harbor but the tickets were sold out. It's funny that I even wanted to do anything but oh well. My birthday was pretty great. I'm another year older! haha. <div><br /></div><div>I don't really have any deep thoughts I wanted to express here...just wanted to acknowledge that another year has passed and another is already into it's 2nd week. haha. I'm not going to set any goals that I want to accomplish this year for myself (because I didn't really accomplish any of the ones I set for myself in an entry last year.) but I will say that this year I just want to have a generally positive experience...just all around positive energy and forward motion, always progressing and no expectations. I'd say that's pretty reasonable, wouldn't you? </div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-56634988155026669682011-11-26T16:17:00.000-08:002011-11-26T16:29:18.334-08:00Perth<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG70uQjrx1EXOi1n8mOZr-olFQXLxJCN-V1GxlEFzAn7rLDG8Ez8rACh4V_eOq0lLwAv1ibcpo84czb47RkZYQWOGj9cpzvgFDMxbspJxpX_scGnv62JS2mJRk-zDxmqv4CQQeba9wp5wZ/s1600/IMG00671-20110707-1537.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG70uQjrx1EXOi1n8mOZr-olFQXLxJCN-V1GxlEFzAn7rLDG8Ez8rACh4V_eOq0lLwAv1ibcpo84czb47RkZYQWOGj9cpzvgFDMxbspJxpX_scGnv62JS2mJRk-zDxmqv4CQQeba9wp5wZ/s200/IMG00671-20110707-1537.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5679466117519430546" /></a><br />Contentment is a funny thing. It's very fleeting. This summer I felt at ease with myself, somewhat. I found a newly found sense of peace. Yes, I was struggling with my social relation issues but I mostly felt good about me. Now? Well, I'm kind of bored. haha. I feel like I've lived such a paradoxical life. It's always gone from one extreme to the next. I've gone through so many things and experiences, I honestly feel bad for whoever has to deliver my eulogy. And let's not even think about what would go on my gravestone, there isn't enough room for it all. Now that I'm approaching 30 (eeek!), I still find myself holding on to standards I should've let go ages ago. I'm also learning that growing older and maturing is all about constantly re-evaluating yourself. It's good to realize that your core principles will always be there but everything else is usually going to be in a state of flux. Friends and lovers come and go but as long as you're at peace with yourself, that's ok. <div><br /></div><div>We celebrated Thanksgiving this past Thursday and I'm so thankful for so much. I'm thankful I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy, thankful I have two jobs while many have none (tho I'm gonna try and stay away from that subject), thankful I have a handful of people that love and accept me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Do I know what lies ahead? No. Does anyone? I think plenty of people THINK they do but they don't really. I need to stop worrying so much about it and just take it as it comes.</div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-89207632850116253112011-09-24T09:04:00.000-07:002011-09-24T09:26:08.187-07:00Pale September<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKiF9kfJhURLDif280KLtqlWDIeb0otFmB1-iOrk6oHScysMWlY65AxJhGq96hFDXdku7eZg6rBQkjsNkoOItoJt4cMWuE4Ax8cav8DcPyV1iRdp2c3ppx76_2yg5LLEIY_ZTPvMQdj0_M/s1600/303013357.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKiF9kfJhURLDif280KLtqlWDIeb0otFmB1-iOrk6oHScysMWlY65AxJhGq96hFDXdku7eZg6rBQkjsNkoOItoJt4cMWuE4Ax8cav8DcPyV1iRdp2c3ppx76_2yg5LLEIY_ZTPvMQdj0_M/s200/303013357.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5655963240666318274" /></a><br />"And all my armour fallin down in a pile at my feet..."<div><br /></div><div>That's pretty much how life is going for me lately. I feel like I'm in this weird stage, at the age of 28, of re-figuring out some core things about myself. I'm basically a hermit living in this big city. The only people I spend any time with regularly are my sister and my roomate...which, lets face it, are both pretty built in support systems. They're both have to spend time with me, sort of obligation I guess...which doesn't bring forth too many rosey, warm feelings. lol. I dunno, I'm finding more and more that the things I enjoy and love are pretty much solitary activities. Listening to music, reading books, keeping up with politics and news aren't really things you grab a friend or two to do. </div><div><br /></div><div>I guess the problem I have is this weird dilemma...or pressure I feel from people/society/whatever that I SHOULD have regular social interactions with people I'm not forced to see. I just dont have the desire, I guess. The only area where I feel like I actually AM lacking something is in the significant other department. "I Get So Lonely" (sang it Janet! lol) sometimes. I mean, at 28, this is the prime time for settling down. This is the age when most people do it or start thinking about settling down with their "boo". I currently have no prospects. haha. The way I live my life doesn't really lend itself to meeting anyone either. I wake up, I go to work, I go home. Sometimes I go out for coffee or to go shopping. But I always have an agenda and I tend not to stray from it. I've also been told a time or two that I don't come across as approachable. I have profiles on a few websites but all that seems to lead to is a night or two of sex...which is nice but sex doesn't lead to a walk down the aisle.</div><div><br /></div><div>I didn't even realize that maybe I would want to get married one day until about a week ago. I was talking to my Mom and she was telling me about this wedding that she had went to that had a lot of gay male married couples in it. She said to me "I can't wait until the day when I can talk about my married gay son" and how she hoped that I would one day find someone that I'd want to call my husband. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hang up. It seems like a corny, stereotypical response but it's truly how I felt. All through my teens and most of my twenties I had boyfriends. For going on 3 years now, I've been single. I've definitely made peace with it and I'm for sure comfortable being on my own...but I think I've gotten too used to being on my own and I don't know how to open myself back up to meeting men and being approachable. Part of the problem is me and part of the problem is everyone else. No exageration here, I don't know any gay couples. None. </div><div><br /></div><div>and not to blame my problems on outside factors. I think anyone who knows me knows that I have no problem accepting my faults. I'm not really an "excuse" person. I do think there's something weird about Boston though. This city is not a warm, welcoming city. It's not easy to meet people here because everyone has an agenda...and everyone comes across as non-approachable (so I guess I fit in, in that regard). I remember when I lived in Houston, everyone was so friendly. I only lived there for a short time and I had way more friends than I do after having lived here since the top of 2007. I'm not asking for a miracle nor do I expect or want to change myself in any way that's not authentic but there's GOT to be someone in a 20 mile radius who's genuine, has shared interests that we can both find each other attractive. lol.</div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-29757388842331360012011-08-06T15:42:00.000-07:002011-08-06T16:08:53.763-07:00Indifference is a mothafu***<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0IDxolTD6aIWwy5m6C-vAkyHDutrmCQGk183e_muqwOQ7qOJGYofoqoCX0ydqXD4rlrBH0pt7IboyiBIVWNRIjfRX-1hWgakKxj0NLnUATdvbjrpOqsGBil36OxGOPMLQV0O6uRLFPnnh/s1600/200093_545115018715_74400339_31495758_10062_n.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0IDxolTD6aIWwy5m6C-vAkyHDutrmCQGk183e_muqwOQ7qOJGYofoqoCX0ydqXD4rlrBH0pt7IboyiBIVWNRIjfRX-1hWgakKxj0NLnUATdvbjrpOqsGBil36OxGOPMLQV0O6uRLFPnnh/s200/200093_545115018715_74400339_31495758_10062_n.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5637883855325247810" /></a><br />So lately I've been reading a lot of self help book/dating books. I've been getting that nagging feelings that something is missing from my life and I don't know what. I think it's because I keep feeling some sort of pressure of having to define my life with other peoples expectations. I don't have lots of friends or a boyfriend and so I think people look at me a certain way. In fact, I know they do because my Mom and Sister confirmed this with me two weekends ago. We all met up and went out to lunch and, as usual, started discussing each other's obstacles, acheivements and future prospects. Usually I leave these conversations feeling refreshed, knowing that if no one else in this world "gets" me, those two do. I had no such feeling this time around. It basically turned into finger pointing, with them saying that I'm closing myself off and not allowing myself the opportunity to meet new "friends" ( though I know they meant a man). <div><br /></div><div>Now, first let me say, I don't know why it's a bad thing that I don't have a boyfriend. I will say that so many people seem to think it's odd that I don't want one that I'm starting to question my own desires and wondering if I don't want one or I'm afraid of getting one. I can't really say at this point, which means I guess I'm probably afraid of putting myself out there. haha I just feel like I'm at such a weird stage in life that no one gets me.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do not enjoy going out to nightclubs or bars. I had a fake ID at 16 and did the club scene well into my early twenties. I can promise you that, not having stepped foot in a club in almost two years, the scene has not changed. You can change the apolstery on a couch but it still has the same frame. I'm much more turned on by someone who can hold a conversation than by someone who can buy me drinks I can already for myself and dance with to music I probably don't want to hear. And then there's all the bumping and pushing. I can't help it, I got it out of my system early. If anything, I OVERDID the club scene. On a Friday night, I'm unwinding from a stressful work week. I'd rather have a cold glass of wine and read a book lying next to my dog. </div><div><br /></div><div>Another major issue I find with today's dating scene: People are WAY too caught up in social media. Lets face it. In the majority of cases, we've already seen ten or so pictures of our date, read their profiles/facebook statuses/tweets and know so much information up front about them that would've taken WEEKS to learn from back in the day when there was no internet/cell phones/facebook/a4a/craigslist. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS. They were a lot more fun. It took a lot more effort. When you spent time with someone, it was because you wanted to. Nowadays people spend time with people just to kill time til they move on to the next thing. It was exciting to sit across from someone over a meal and drinks and discuss things. Now we're given most of that information upfront. What does it leave? Not much. In fact, I've seen that it's so commonplace to just jump into bed on the first "date", if you even get that far, that "relationships" have such a short shelf life. </div><div><br /></div><div>I also think people use social media as a way to solely validate themselves. I see so many people do relationship jumping, never dealing with any of their own issues and baggage and carrying them over to the next one. It just creates collateral damage. After my last serious relationship ended, I guess I haven't built myself back up to where I'm ready to invest in another person wholeheartedly. I refuse to compromise in that. </div><div><br /></div><div>I just can't help that lately I've been getting that nagging feeling that maybe it's time to poke my head out on the scene again and see who's around. Indifference is a mothafucka.</div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-9049887585448684142011-06-27T18:24:00.001-07:002011-06-27T18:39:31.260-07:00Self WorthYou ever have one of those days where it's sposed to be great...but it isnt? I'm having one of those today. lol Earlier today, I was given a promotion at work. I worked hard for it, I trained for it and it was well deserved...and I felt great for most of the day. Then I was watching a tv show earlier and the subject matter brought up some ill feelings that I guess I hadn't recognized were so close to surface. It got me to thinking about past relationships, current relationships and taking a critical look at myself. Now I know I'm a lot to handle. I've stated this several times throughout this blog. I'm a very "grab the bull by the horns" kind of person in my life and relationships. I can be "go with the flow" but it takes awhile and certain level of comfort for me to be that way...there are very few people in my life that I am this way with. Those are the people I feel most comfortable with. <div><br /></div><div>However, I got to thinking about some of these relationships...and I started to feel, once again, that I'm a little bit taken for granted. Take for instance my roomate. We have a unique history but the fact of the matter is that today, THIS very day, we are friends. What I consider close friends. We know each other's daily business, the complications and the joys...but then I started thinking that it's been quite one sided for some time now. I always opening share my feelings, experiences, desires and i expect the same in return. Communication has pretty much always been an issue for us but I've adjusted my expectations to fit him and the type of person that he is, which is one who doesn't really communicate at all. He internalizes pretty much everything and he's very selfish. But I love him and accept him for that but I just wish that he could adjust his expectations for dealing with me a little. Think outside of himself. Maybe I don't always want to be the one who cleans the house. It would be SO NICE for him to come up with a plan for something for us to do instead of me always making the plan, picking the day and time and the follow through. It's exhausting. </div><div><br /></div><div>He's also very inconsiderate. I understand that we are roomates and friends and that I don't have the right nor is it necessary that I know where he is and what he's doing at all hours of the day. However, I think that lately he's been extra uncourtious (is that a word?) coming in at late hours (when he knows I go to bed early because I get up for work early)..and he never attempts to include me in any sort of plans he makes with other people. Whenever we hang out, it's always either just the two of us or it's MY friends who accompany us. Now again, I'm not the easiest person to get along with and I generally dont associate with the same types of people that he does, but a little effort goes a long way. Do I think it's fun to go to a gay karaoke bar and hang out with losers with no real jobs to speak of every Wednesday night as he does? No. Do I think it's fun to go out drinking with a group of people as he often does? You bet your ass I do! So why do I never get invited? </div><div><br /></div><div>I've made it such a point to include him in my life that my family gives him a present every year at Christmas. Every Thanksgiving he's there (granted, he's usually doing the cooking) but he's really a part of my family at this point. He's even invited to my cousins wedding! So why do I not fit that role in his life? If we were to separate and move away from each otehr, would we still keep in contact? I feel uncertain at this point...I know that I would want to. Why am I so insecure about this? and why do these issues continually pop up throughout the history of our relationship? </div><div><br /></div><div>There are only so many times you can go around the same merry-go-round before you have to get off and evaluate things. Why continues to put forth effort into a friendship that maybe the other person isn't interested in maintaing? What if they simply look at it as a friendship/roomate of conveinance? Dont pretend to be my friend but not really give a shit either way about me. That's not ok. </div><div><br /></div><div>I hold myself in the highest esteem. I am the loyalest person you could ever meet. So why do I not have relationships in my life that reflect that? </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm tired of struggling with this.</div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-6747773812313775312011-05-28T16:34:00.000-07:002011-05-28T16:35:27.457-07:00A Million Stars<p class="MsoNormal">A million stars</p> <p class="MsoNormal">One man</p> <p class="MsoNormal">A million men</p> <p class="MsoNormal">A million stars</p> <p class="MsoNormal">All of them were wrong</p> <p class="MsoNormal">All of them were you</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I tried to be quiet.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I tried to be happy.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I wasn’t ready.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Couldn’t you see I wasn’t ready?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Now I’m a black hole.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">All to myself.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Seeing no one.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Touching only temporary</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The hot bursts of passion,</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Followed by the black silence</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Of nothing, again.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Everyday I’m reminded.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Everyday I see a million stars.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">All of them are you.</p>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-36140095418515854652011-05-28T14:05:00.000-07:002011-05-28T14:14:09.354-07:00It Happened One NightIt happens in the night, when he comes crawling through my window. Smelling of Abercrombie, and wearing it too...soft as cotton. His body, hard as granite, smothers me with warmth and passion. His full lips show an all day desire to meet with mine. Sweaty and quiet, it happens, like plate collision. It ends in a timely manner and we dress in darkness. Out the window we crawl at an hour later than midnight, to the small box with wheels parked two houses down. Holding hands, we drive to our late school night destiny. A club of men and pounding music, we fuse into one and become born again. After we leave, we meld again in the backseat of a Honda Civic, among the college textbooks and belt buckles. We hold hands again and begin the journey home at 4am. At 4:45, we stop at the beach to look at the moonlight in each others arms, death, dawn and havoc leering in the air nearby. Without a word spoken, my head is slammed into the lifeguard's chair. Blood pours out from a head wound, staining my eyes. I blindly retaliate, connecting my foot with a private spot. He jabs me in the stomach and sends me into a sand dune. My face is rubbed in the sand until I'm pulled up, gasping for air. I'm picked up and carried. I think I'm saved. I hear water splashed and the cold wetness covers my body. My head is held under until I suffocate. He leaves me, wet and bloodied, to float in the lake, only five houses down from mine. "He was my lover" he screams as he gets into his car. He wasn't talking about me.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-2806338938946249662011-04-30T17:27:00.000-07:002011-04-30T18:01:33.548-07:00"Alrighty"<div>So it's no secret that I struggle with dating. It's just not fun for me. I usually tend to meet my mates in non-traditional settings anyway, going out on "dates" has never yeilded any successful ventures for me. Anyway...I'm sitting up in bed, half reading and half watching Sex and the City, and something sort of dawned on me...why do so many people subdue themselves on dates/when their getting to know someone in an effort to seem more appealing? Granted, I'm probably not the most qualified person to comment on this since I haven't had any luck finding someone I'd want to be bothered with calling my boyfriend, but still. I dont understand the purpose of holding back certain qualities we all possess in different degrees (moodiness, messiness, ditzyness) just to seem more appealing to someone AT FIRST. I mean...these things are all going to come out eventually...some of them may even lead to the demise of a relationship, should you get one going. So what's wrong with just being yourself and letting things fall where they may? If you're a slob, I'd like to know upfront. Dont surprise me with that shit after we've been dating for awhile, we decide to move in together and then I learn that you dont wash dishes, do laundry in timely intervals and only shower for special occassions. That leaves me feeling deceived and wondering what else you're hiding or dispersing in intervals. </div><div> </div><div>With that being said, I leave you all with this. My name is Timothy. I'm impatient, slightly OCD about having things in order, sometimes I pee and forget to put the lid back down, I shower twice daily and I do most things to the tune of my ipod. </div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-52802507353832897892011-03-09T15:29:00.000-08:002011-03-09T15:42:22.778-08:00I'm goin through some changes!So the roomate and I moved! haha. It's actually just down the st from where we lived in the apartment before last. I hope we stay here for awhile because LOOOORD am I sick of moving! lol The apartment is cute, it's on the 3rd floor, which I LOOVE. haha. We've already got most of the place looking great and feeling like home. I'm glad I can honestly put the whole drama of moving/staying roomates behind me (at least for now) for a long time so I dont have to be so paranoid about it. I think he appriciates the dynamic and trust we have for each other and I'm sure he'd much rather think about other things as well, so I think our living situation is in a good place right now. <br /><br />So work is...work. I'm still having the same problem of not wanting to get up and go there in the morning, and I'm not sure what that's all about. I know it's kind of getting me in hot water there but in typical Tim fashion, I push the limits until I cant push anymore. lol. Hopefully me pushing the limits doesn't result in me getting fired because that would be...well, awful. I like my job and I'd like to keep it. haha<br /><br />The rest is just the usual stuff. I'm striving to be a better person, fulfill more of my interests, make my mark on the world. I thought it would be easier to do now that I'm working less but I just have this BLOCKAGE that isn't allowing me to get past it. I went to a few therapy sessions to see if I could make some progress with that but it ended up feeling like I was paying 35 bucks a pop just to talk to a friend I didn't like very much who did nothing but listen to me talk for an hour. Not so beneficial. I need suggestions, commentary, direction! lol. That whole experience sort of pissed me off too because the man who did my evaluation and intake even said to me "Well, clearly you're no wallflower. You need someone who can give you some direction". and I agreed...so I'm not so sure who I ended up getting paired with a 6'4 version of Tinkerbell. ::shrugs:: I'm sure I'll give therapy another stab, just not right now. Maybe after working two jobs for almost 3 years, what I need is to do nothing for awhile. We'll see, I guess!Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-56352120687991611792011-02-15T17:44:00.000-08:002011-02-15T18:10:21.126-08:00Keepin it real vs Being a hater...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqPcOmY1iEgHiURgh0z67X7eGRyYGAjvf3E6I27EJOUAwZJfJlVTHuFukYzBajAXtPa3e-ohPoH3ziNuafbYTvN1IoTSRgRQGHgus0aqaPYoLe7HQwWDYBdaR9Nae30fv7bwUYFb8NXWM8/s1600/greezed+up.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 197px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5574101707531520130" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqPcOmY1iEgHiURgh0z67X7eGRyYGAjvf3E6I27EJOUAwZJfJlVTHuFukYzBajAXtPa3e-ohPoH3ziNuafbYTvN1IoTSRgRQGHgus0aqaPYoLe7HQwWDYBdaR9Nae30fv7bwUYFb8NXWM8/s200/greezed+up.jpg" /></a><br /><div>There is SUUUUCH a fine line between the two these days. It sort of annoys me because "hater" is one of those most over-used words today. When you speak some sort of discourse for anything, you're labeled a "hater". Now I'll fully cop to being a hater sometimes. Mention anything Lil Kim related and you'll see my face turn green and venom spew forth from my mouth. But other than that, I definitely keep it real. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I don't like people who are naive enough to beleive in that fallacy that everyone should get along. That's the reason why the world has so many problems. People are more interested in being fake, smiling in your face and then talking mad shit about you behind your back in the name of maintaining civility. It's much easier, honest and BETTER (IMO) to just "keep it real" and say what you feel. There are polite ways to let someone know you're not feeling them. I think the point that people miss, also, is that it's important to respect other points of view. No one opinion is better than another and everyone is entitled to their own. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-3123684123448811892011-01-24T21:28:00.000-08:002011-01-24T21:34:05.868-08:00HelpI've definitely realized in the past few days that I think I've got kind of a shaky support system. Certain individuals are too wrapped up in certain drama to see how it's effecting (affecting?) me and people that I thought were close to me and had my back seem to just ignore me and haven't offered much sympathy or distraction from the stress of everything that I'm experiencing. I understand that we all come into this world alone and we all leave it alone but with these few select people (and some of them are family) I have offered nothing but support and love and I feel I'm not getting the same in return. Yes, I can admit that sometimes I can be dramatic, but I really, truly am overwhelmed and sad. I know that this is just a temporary situation and it will end, as all bad things do, but it would be nice if my "friends" were there to soften the bumps on this portion of the road.<br /><br />But, I'm always taking mental notes of things and what goes around does come back around...Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-83529123082131737482011-01-01T20:27:00.001-08:002011-01-01T20:53:32.009-08:00a New Year, another Birthday...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9IYjlnKGdVCOhSuTDn0Pi906ESn6eQ45CMj26xr4J0W2jxqXPGGBhcIP375K7sVHU93sBXlSE-Y3wQMnOiSRkXRwIlIOds3KL4_EK1sOsqglUSvKGBQaYHJBEsEvd5avEgj6u11EfVGbf/s1600/108.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557447177801200994" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9IYjlnKGdVCOhSuTDn0Pi906ESn6eQ45CMj26xr4J0W2jxqXPGGBhcIP375K7sVHU93sBXlSE-Y3wQMnOiSRkXRwIlIOds3KL4_EK1sOsqglUSvKGBQaYHJBEsEvd5avEgj6u11EfVGbf/s200/108.JPG" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK4z33EYQAmwzonWNKXPTgN03KbG6kUekkbkORd4TrQ7zaSaulrtRGtVBXisK7YTB1FWZO_NBQgLkrIbqVGogSGjucWR_JwumvRJG2pRV2P9YpY1yWUkif3ENXiSTNCNV_NwLD0Uqgqvv2/s1600/097.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557446802326509778" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK4z33EYQAmwzonWNKXPTgN03KbG6kUekkbkORd4TrQ7zaSaulrtRGtVBXisK7YTB1FWZO_NBQgLkrIbqVGogSGjucWR_JwumvRJG2pRV2P9YpY1yWUkif3ENXiSTNCNV_NwLD0Uqgqvv2/s200/097.JPG" /></a><br />So in about 33 minutes, it will be January 2nd and it will be my 28th year. 2010 was a pretty interesting year. I got a promotion that came with a raise and then another raise. I began dating again (though with no lasting success). Other than that, the year has been pretty unremarkable. I'm hoping that 2011 has exciting things in store for me. I wrote a list of a few small, personal things I'd like to accomplish this year a few days ago and I put it away in a private place. After thinking about it, I want to put those things out in the open on here. A few of them may not seem too personal but some others are very personal and almost painful to talk about. Please respect that, should you feel the need to comment.<br /><br />1. I want to see the Statue of Liberty.<br /><br />2. I want to be more social. In the past 3-4 years, I've become increasingly hermetic and I want to reverse that. As I look around myself, the list of people I consider close continues to grow smaller and smaller. I almost feel that now none of my "friends" are really my friends. I think it's time I dusted myself off and got back to being "me" instead of being "me" all on my own.<br /><br />3. I want to write more. I haven't expressed myself through writing in a really long time. I used to be pretty good at it, at least in my own opinion. I miss feeling the release it used to give me. To get your emotions out on paper/Word is a great feeling. It makes me feel accomplished and relieved all at once.<br /><br />4. I want to date again. I'm in one of those weird grey areas with a certain man right now and I'd like it go somewhere but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Everytime I think I'm ready to date again, I seem to turn into a totally different person. I get angry and distrustful, my lonliness amplifies itself and I yearn for past lovers to be present so I didn't have to go through things involved with dating. I REALLY hate dating and I just hope that 2011 is the year I can maybe get over that a little.<br /><br />5. Probably my most personal resolution, I want to get into therapy again. I have my first appointment in a few days and I'm hoping that I can make some sort of breakthroughs with what goes on in this crazy, overcrowded, jaded brain of mine. lol.<br /><br />6. I don't want to be so angry and judgemental anymore. I am so much like my Mother in so many ways but I absolutely do not possess her natural sense of optomism. I think it's something I can work on and maybe gain a little of but it's not going to come easy. I want to make the effort. I realize that I can't go through life with such a natural deep-seeded distrust of people.<br /><br />7. I really don't want to work as much. I have a job that I love that fulfills me and contributes to the world in the way that I want it to. I have a second job that I hate, get nothing out of and generally resent it everytime I have to go into work there. Yes I need that little bit of extra money it gives me (and its never nearly enough) but dammit, I'm going to have to work for the REST OF MY LIFE! Why not try and achieve some small piece of mind instead? I would be able to put more energy into my real job, mainting social relationships with people and maybe rekindle the inner fire that I feel like I've lost. I realize how incredibly EASY it is to blame all my problems on working too much because there are people who work more than I do (somewhere, I'm sure there's someone) and manage to have a healthy social/love life, a robust bank account and a general sense of peace and happiness (whoever you are, I hate you).<br /><br />8. Probably my most embarassing goal of 2011? I'd like to lose a little weight. I'm fortunately not one of the zofdig people who resents their bodies and is made miserable by it but I would like to not be quite so zofdig. I'm not obese by any means but I'd just like to drop a few and be a little more comfortable in a general sense.<br /><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/09JnhHzcU7Y?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/09JnhHzcU7Y?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object></div>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-26296733855476549602010-11-12T19:59:00.000-08:002010-11-12T20:14:06.928-08:00"I didn't notice the signs, you covered both of my eyes."<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5CKIhDuXOw1PTZkSiMVhdHO4EGTpFvdL8F03w6lGq1L6sHPY4F7gVeF0Ma224rcbL8qu_gR1UrkKem1kofokBHwcKZv1KpOHYI4LKp4lol3hV0HggKf-pIdoll3h-fa7ip7-lpHLX-tBW/s1600/SDC10233.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5CKIhDuXOw1PTZkSiMVhdHO4EGTpFvdL8F03w6lGq1L6sHPY4F7gVeF0Ma224rcbL8qu_gR1UrkKem1kofokBHwcKZv1KpOHYI4LKp4lol3hV0HggKf-pIdoll3h-fa7ip7-lpHLX-tBW/s200/SDC10233.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5538882773982046210" /></a><br />That title pretty much sums up my entire history with relationships. I seem to get lost in them. I seem to not see what's right in front of me. Of course it's easy to blame the other person and say they deceived me, and I'm positive that I HAVE been deceived before, but it's important for me to take responsibility as well.<br /><br />Lately I've been trying to figure out why I'm so angry all the time. I haven't been in a real relationship in two years (and dont want to be in one now) but have I gotten too used to doing things myself? Have I become so jaded that something as simple as a compliment seems insincere to me? I dont feel like I'm holding onto any residual resentment but am I? Who do you talk to in order to get answers to these questions? lol. <br /><br />I just know that I'm starting to go down a not-so-good emotional path. I've been coming home and sleeping and I've been feeling more stressed/emotional than normal lately. I just want to figure out whatever it is that's bothering me and deal with it so I can move on with life. lol.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-91499448982754265142010-11-03T14:46:00.000-07:002010-11-03T14:58:55.440-07:00Why I'm done hating Nicki Minaj...<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Bzg_xcsyCIs/TNHa7rO7DEI/AAAAAAAAACk/VLODHytQH4Q/s1600/nicki-minaj-12.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 136px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Bzg_xcsyCIs/TNHa7rO7DEI/AAAAAAAAACk/VLODHytQH4Q/s200/nicki-minaj-12.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535446135767501890" /></a><br />So first, a brief history... when I first heard Nicki Minaj, it was some mixtape song called "Beef Stew". I thought it was cute. Nothing too sophisticated about it. Heard a few more songs of hers and wasn't too impressed. It was all very nursery school rhyming to me. The more I heard from her, the more I hated her. I kept WAITING and WAITING for a female vet (Foxy, Rah Digga, Eve...hell, even Krumbery Bones) to drop something to rock her simple, nursery school rhyming ass out of the water...and it never happened. lol. That bum bitch Keys tried to come for her in the Itty Bitty Piggy remake but once she dropped her own material, it was pretty clear that Keys would never be a contender. <br /><br />Anyway, then she did the BET Cypher and KILLED it! I was back in her corner, expecting more stuff like that from her. Then she dropped "Massive Attack" and "Your Love" which made me hate her again. More stupid, elementary rap garbage. Then she did "Monster" and "Check It Out" which made me like her once more. Then the other day, "Romans Revenge" with Eminem leaked and upon liking it, I realized something. All the bitching and moaning that people (including me) have been doing about her is pretty irrelevant. She's the ONLY female in the rap game right now really doing anything. Sure, Rah Digga dropped an album last month that went triple gum wrapper (despite it being a pretty dope cd. Yes, I copped it.) but other females, at this point, have had MANY an oppurtunity to steal the spotlight back and yet, haven't. Foxy is busy holding down the fort at Popeye's, Eve is off being Hollywood somewhere and Krumberly is just...praying to stay half relevant (I have never liked her so you won't find me saying anything nice about her...ever). <br /><br />and speaking of Krumberly Bones...what a joke. She made all that noise about Nicki not paying homage, talked shit in all kinds of interviews, even did some promo tour (for what?) and never bothered to drop a single, hop on a remix or anything. So my ENTIRE point is this. If you dont like Nicki Minaj, that's fine. But at least respect her hustle. No other female has bothered to try and steal her shine so just let her have her moment.<br /><br />and yes, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for Foxy to put down the two piece and Remy to make early parole.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-67830110302794971172010-10-12T15:46:00.001-07:002010-10-12T15:46:48.921-07:00It Gets Better<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dhsDwMe2bLs?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dhsDwMe2bLs?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6770350329209978269.post-25623036477092514902010-09-10T21:41:00.000-07:002010-09-10T21:59:53.110-07:00You can do it put your back into it...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6gLx4rzeb8mreYsu2IEmWqxH4qdYKP3c6pJg3860222_EyM93d-TcvVnFOyYm87bCqNQtEL333XIV3O7BaBXlI__0PdAyZ29izPG8P5kRg5479gtmvdx5HzJqWDc7ASZIJbPcVHBnE2t/s1600/me+in+nyc.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6gLx4rzeb8mreYsu2IEmWqxH4qdYKP3c6pJg3860222_EyM93d-TcvVnFOyYm87bCqNQtEL333XIV3O7BaBXlI__0PdAyZ29izPG8P5kRg5479gtmvdx5HzJqWDc7ASZIJbPcVHBnE2t/s200/me+in+nyc.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515516191877920098" /></a><br />So this entry shall be about work ethic. lol. <br /><br />Now I realize that yes, I do work two jobs and no, I do not work particularly hard at one of them but that's a whole other blog entry for another day. My point is that yes, I'm aware that I'm sitting inside my glass house and I'm about to throw a stone...or ten. haha. <br /><br />So I was on the Twitter on the train ride home after the work day from HELL today only to see this...buffoon in my timeline complaining, yet again, about this, that and the third, though none of it was very important. I'd been following this person for awhile, and him following me, and I wasn't sure WHY I was but a lot of the people I follow that I enjoy also follow this person. Every once in awhile he'd tweet something humorous but I didn't really get the allure...I digress. Now I know this person doesn't have a job. We had a conversation via IM about how he'd been out of work for awhile, I tried my best to listen and offer simple suggestions he could use to twerk his resume, etc. I could tell it went in one ear and out the other, which was frustrating because as a person who's been working two jobs simultaneously for the last 2.5 years, I clearly know what I'm talking about. lol. <br /><br />So anyway, he was going off on some tangent and I had this...epiphany, I guess...which I'm sure y'all will find controversial and I'll be a bigger asshole that I already am...blah blah blah. what else is new? lol<br /><br />I realized that I definitely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind did.not.care. what his thoughts,views,opinions were...on anything. I didn't care about his crappy, amateur poetry or his stupid youtube channel. His whole existence had no meaning to me, it held no weight. See, I'm a firm believer in hard work. If you're not waking up every morning, going to work and contributing to something, then you don't...matter. It's like people who bitch and complain about politics/politians but don't vote. If you don't vote, shut the fuck you: your opinion doesn't matter.<br /><br />I think that's a HUGE problem that we have in today's society. We all think we have a voice and an opinion that matters and needs to be publicized. Hell, even what I'm doing here doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But my ass wakes up 6:34am every day and goes to work, so I feel like that justifies my online ramblings.<br /><br />Anyway, that's all I wanted to share.Deucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08885603067010127085noreply@blogger.com0