Monday, July 22, 2013

No witty title tonight, folks...

Independence is so nice but it sure doesn't keep a bitch warm at night...

I went and saw Billy today because I wanted a new phone.  Did I need to go ALL the way to his store?  Absolutely not.  But I just keep hoping that we'll reconnect and things will go back to some sort of semblance of what it used to be.  He was nice enough but I could tell that he didn't really want to help me.  I just have such a small understanding of our situation I'm not sure, at this point, that I'll ever get to a place where it doesn't bother me.

I went down to the Pier to stare off at the water and just think about some things.  I was remembering all the fun we used to have.  Then I came home and I started looking around at all the junk in my apartment.  It's all mine.  I paid for it all.  My cable is on, my phone is on, my electricity is on. I sleep on expensive sheets, I'm not missing any meals, my dog is well taken care of, I have my share of suitors...but just the absence of ONE friend, a friend that I held so near and dear to my heart, makes being independent sooo... not that big a deal.  Yes, I have great new friends that I've met whom I enjoy spending time with but there's nothing like having that friend you can have a whole conversation with and not use many words... the friend who says what you're thinking before you can say it first...the friend where when something funny happens you just look at each other and bust out laughing.  Billy was that friend.  I miss that friend.

Had we had some sort of epic quarrel, or any fight at all, I could maybe try and make peace with this.  But I really feel like I'm being beat over the head time and time again with what's staring me right in the face and I STILL DON'T GET IT.  I think that being rejected by a friend is worse than being rejected by a lover or suitor.  It has it's own harsh sting that's still lingering for me.  Maybe its selfish of me to wish that he'd give me some sort of closure because I knooooow he's not capable of giving it to me.  But even if I could just get an email from him explaining WHY we don't speak, why doesn't he want to speak, I could have something to justify all this radio silence.

Why do I keep beating a horse that's clearly dead?  Do I continue to let this bother me so much because I feel so at peace with everything else in my life?

I just want my friend back.