Monday, January 24, 2011

Help

I've definitely realized in the past few days that I think I've got kind of a shaky support system. Certain individuals are too wrapped up in certain drama to see how it's effecting (affecting?) me and people that I thought were close to me and had my back seem to just ignore me and haven't offered much sympathy or distraction from the stress of everything that I'm experiencing. I understand that we all come into this world alone and we all leave it alone but with these few select people (and some of them are family) I have offered nothing but support and love and I feel I'm not getting the same in return. Yes, I can admit that sometimes I can be dramatic, but I really, truly am overwhelmed and sad. I know that this is just a temporary situation and it will end, as all bad things do, but it would be nice if my "friends" were there to soften the bumps on this portion of the road.

But, I'm always taking mental notes of things and what goes around does come back around...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

a New Year, another Birthday...



So in about 33 minutes, it will be January 2nd and it will be my 28th year. 2010 was a pretty interesting year. I got a promotion that came with a raise and then another raise. I began dating again (though with no lasting success). Other than that, the year has been pretty unremarkable. I'm hoping that 2011 has exciting things in store for me. I wrote a list of a few small, personal things I'd like to accomplish this year a few days ago and I put it away in a private place. After thinking about it, I want to put those things out in the open on here. A few of them may not seem too personal but some others are very personal and almost painful to talk about. Please respect that, should you feel the need to comment.

1. I want to see the Statue of Liberty.

2. I want to be more social. In the past 3-4 years, I've become increasingly hermetic and I want to reverse that. As I look around myself, the list of people I consider close continues to grow smaller and smaller. I almost feel that now none of my "friends" are really my friends. I think it's time I dusted myself off and got back to being "me" instead of being "me" all on my own.

3. I want to write more. I haven't expressed myself through writing in a really long time. I used to be pretty good at it, at least in my own opinion. I miss feeling the release it used to give me. To get your emotions out on paper/Word is a great feeling. It makes me feel accomplished and relieved all at once.

4. I want to date again. I'm in one of those weird grey areas with a certain man right now and I'd like it go somewhere but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Everytime I think I'm ready to date again, I seem to turn into a totally different person. I get angry and distrustful, my lonliness amplifies itself and I yearn for past lovers to be present so I didn't have to go through things involved with dating. I REALLY hate dating and I just hope that 2011 is the year I can maybe get over that a little.

5. Probably my most personal resolution, I want to get into therapy again. I have my first appointment in a few days and I'm hoping that I can make some sort of breakthroughs with what goes on in this crazy, overcrowded, jaded brain of mine. lol.

6. I don't want to be so angry and judgemental anymore. I am so much like my Mother in so many ways but I absolutely do not possess her natural sense of optomism. I think it's something I can work on and maybe gain a little of but it's not going to come easy. I want to make the effort. I realize that I can't go through life with such a natural deep-seeded distrust of people.

7. I really don't want to work as much. I have a job that I love that fulfills me and contributes to the world in the way that I want it to. I have a second job that I hate, get nothing out of and generally resent it everytime I have to go into work there. Yes I need that little bit of extra money it gives me (and its never nearly enough) but dammit, I'm going to have to work for the REST OF MY LIFE! Why not try and achieve some small piece of mind instead? I would be able to put more energy into my real job, mainting social relationships with people and maybe rekindle the inner fire that I feel like I've lost. I realize how incredibly EASY it is to blame all my problems on working too much because there are people who work more than I do (somewhere, I'm sure there's someone) and manage to have a healthy social/love life, a robust bank account and a general sense of peace and happiness (whoever you are, I hate you).

8. Probably my most embarassing goal of 2011? I'd like to lose a little weight. I'm fortunately not one of the zofdig people who resents their bodies and is made miserable by it but I would like to not be quite so zofdig. I'm not obese by any means but I'd just like to drop a few and be a little more comfortable in a general sense.