Saturday, November 26, 2011

Perth


Contentment is a funny thing. It's very fleeting. This summer I felt at ease with myself, somewhat. I found a newly found sense of peace. Yes, I was struggling with my social relation issues but I mostly felt good about me. Now? Well, I'm kind of bored. haha. I feel like I've lived such a paradoxical life. It's always gone from one extreme to the next. I've gone through so many things and experiences, I honestly feel bad for whoever has to deliver my eulogy. And let's not even think about what would go on my gravestone, there isn't enough room for it all. Now that I'm approaching 30 (eeek!), I still find myself holding on to standards I should've let go ages ago. I'm also learning that growing older and maturing is all about constantly re-evaluating yourself. It's good to realize that your core principles will always be there but everything else is usually going to be in a state of flux. Friends and lovers come and go but as long as you're at peace with yourself, that's ok.

We celebrated Thanksgiving this past Thursday and I'm so thankful for so much. I'm thankful I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy, thankful I have two jobs while many have none (tho I'm gonna try and stay away from that subject), thankful I have a handful of people that love and accept me.

Do I know what lies ahead? No. Does anyone? I think plenty of people THINK they do but they don't really. I need to stop worrying so much about it and just take it as it comes.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Pale September


"And all my armour fallin down in a pile at my feet..."

That's pretty much how life is going for me lately. I feel like I'm in this weird stage, at the age of 28, of re-figuring out some core things about myself. I'm basically a hermit living in this big city. The only people I spend any time with regularly are my sister and my roomate...which, lets face it, are both pretty built in support systems. They're both have to spend time with me, sort of obligation I guess...which doesn't bring forth too many rosey, warm feelings. lol. I dunno, I'm finding more and more that the things I enjoy and love are pretty much solitary activities. Listening to music, reading books, keeping up with politics and news aren't really things you grab a friend or two to do.

I guess the problem I have is this weird dilemma...or pressure I feel from people/society/whatever that I SHOULD have regular social interactions with people I'm not forced to see. I just dont have the desire, I guess. The only area where I feel like I actually AM lacking something is in the significant other department. "I Get So Lonely" (sang it Janet! lol) sometimes. I mean, at 28, this is the prime time for settling down. This is the age when most people do it or start thinking about settling down with their "boo". I currently have no prospects. haha. The way I live my life doesn't really lend itself to meeting anyone either. I wake up, I go to work, I go home. Sometimes I go out for coffee or to go shopping. But I always have an agenda and I tend not to stray from it. I've also been told a time or two that I don't come across as approachable. I have profiles on a few websites but all that seems to lead to is a night or two of sex...which is nice but sex doesn't lead to a walk down the aisle.

I didn't even realize that maybe I would want to get married one day until about a week ago. I was talking to my Mom and she was telling me about this wedding that she had went to that had a lot of gay male married couples in it. She said to me "I can't wait until the day when I can talk about my married gay son" and how she hoped that I would one day find someone that I'd want to call my husband. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hang up. It seems like a corny, stereotypical response but it's truly how I felt. All through my teens and most of my twenties I had boyfriends. For going on 3 years now, I've been single. I've definitely made peace with it and I'm for sure comfortable being on my own...but I think I've gotten too used to being on my own and I don't know how to open myself back up to meeting men and being approachable. Part of the problem is me and part of the problem is everyone else. No exageration here, I don't know any gay couples. None.

and not to blame my problems on outside factors. I think anyone who knows me knows that I have no problem accepting my faults. I'm not really an "excuse" person. I do think there's something weird about Boston though. This city is not a warm, welcoming city. It's not easy to meet people here because everyone has an agenda...and everyone comes across as non-approachable (so I guess I fit in, in that regard). I remember when I lived in Houston, everyone was so friendly. I only lived there for a short time and I had way more friends than I do after having lived here since the top of 2007. I'm not asking for a miracle nor do I expect or want to change myself in any way that's not authentic but there's GOT to be someone in a 20 mile radius who's genuine, has shared interests that we can both find each other attractive. lol.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Indifference is a mothafu***


So lately I've been reading a lot of self help book/dating books. I've been getting that nagging feelings that something is missing from my life and I don't know what. I think it's because I keep feeling some sort of pressure of having to define my life with other peoples expectations. I don't have lots of friends or a boyfriend and so I think people look at me a certain way. In fact, I know they do because my Mom and Sister confirmed this with me two weekends ago. We all met up and went out to lunch and, as usual, started discussing each other's obstacles, acheivements and future prospects. Usually I leave these conversations feeling refreshed, knowing that if no one else in this world "gets" me, those two do. I had no such feeling this time around. It basically turned into finger pointing, with them saying that I'm closing myself off and not allowing myself the opportunity to meet new "friends" ( though I know they meant a man).

Now, first let me say, I don't know why it's a bad thing that I don't have a boyfriend. I will say that so many people seem to think it's odd that I don't want one that I'm starting to question my own desires and wondering if I don't want one or I'm afraid of getting one. I can't really say at this point, which means I guess I'm probably afraid of putting myself out there. haha I just feel like I'm at such a weird stage in life that no one gets me.

I do not enjoy going out to nightclubs or bars. I had a fake ID at 16 and did the club scene well into my early twenties. I can promise you that, not having stepped foot in a club in almost two years, the scene has not changed. You can change the apolstery on a couch but it still has the same frame. I'm much more turned on by someone who can hold a conversation than by someone who can buy me drinks I can already for myself and dance with to music I probably don't want to hear. And then there's all the bumping and pushing. I can't help it, I got it out of my system early. If anything, I OVERDID the club scene. On a Friday night, I'm unwinding from a stressful work week. I'd rather have a cold glass of wine and read a book lying next to my dog.

Another major issue I find with today's dating scene: People are WAY too caught up in social media. Lets face it. In the majority of cases, we've already seen ten or so pictures of our date, read their profiles/facebook statuses/tweets and know so much information up front about them that would've taken WEEKS to learn from back in the day when there was no internet/cell phones/facebook/a4a/craigslist. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS. They were a lot more fun. It took a lot more effort. When you spent time with someone, it was because you wanted to. Nowadays people spend time with people just to kill time til they move on to the next thing. It was exciting to sit across from someone over a meal and drinks and discuss things. Now we're given most of that information upfront. What does it leave? Not much. In fact, I've seen that it's so commonplace to just jump into bed on the first "date", if you even get that far, that "relationships" have such a short shelf life.

I also think people use social media as a way to solely validate themselves. I see so many people do relationship jumping, never dealing with any of their own issues and baggage and carrying them over to the next one. It just creates collateral damage. After my last serious relationship ended, I guess I haven't built myself back up to where I'm ready to invest in another person wholeheartedly. I refuse to compromise in that.

I just can't help that lately I've been getting that nagging feeling that maybe it's time to poke my head out on the scene again and see who's around. Indifference is a mothafucka.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Self Worth

You ever have one of those days where it's sposed to be great...but it isnt? I'm having one of those today. lol Earlier today, I was given a promotion at work. I worked hard for it, I trained for it and it was well deserved...and I felt great for most of the day. Then I was watching a tv show earlier and the subject matter brought up some ill feelings that I guess I hadn't recognized were so close to surface. It got me to thinking about past relationships, current relationships and taking a critical look at myself. Now I know I'm a lot to handle. I've stated this several times throughout this blog. I'm a very "grab the bull by the horns" kind of person in my life and relationships. I can be "go with the flow" but it takes awhile and certain level of comfort for me to be that way...there are very few people in my life that I am this way with. Those are the people I feel most comfortable with.

However, I got to thinking about some of these relationships...and I started to feel, once again, that I'm a little bit taken for granted. Take for instance my roomate. We have a unique history but the fact of the matter is that today, THIS very day, we are friends. What I consider close friends. We know each other's daily business, the complications and the joys...but then I started thinking that it's been quite one sided for some time now. I always opening share my feelings, experiences, desires and i expect the same in return. Communication has pretty much always been an issue for us but I've adjusted my expectations to fit him and the type of person that he is, which is one who doesn't really communicate at all. He internalizes pretty much everything and he's very selfish. But I love him and accept him for that but I just wish that he could adjust his expectations for dealing with me a little. Think outside of himself. Maybe I don't always want to be the one who cleans the house. It would be SO NICE for him to come up with a plan for something for us to do instead of me always making the plan, picking the day and time and the follow through. It's exhausting.

He's also very inconsiderate. I understand that we are roomates and friends and that I don't have the right nor is it necessary that I know where he is and what he's doing at all hours of the day. However, I think that lately he's been extra uncourtious (is that a word?) coming in at late hours (when he knows I go to bed early because I get up for work early)..and he never attempts to include me in any sort of plans he makes with other people. Whenever we hang out, it's always either just the two of us or it's MY friends who accompany us. Now again, I'm not the easiest person to get along with and I generally dont associate with the same types of people that he does, but a little effort goes a long way. Do I think it's fun to go to a gay karaoke bar and hang out with losers with no real jobs to speak of every Wednesday night as he does? No. Do I think it's fun to go out drinking with a group of people as he often does? You bet your ass I do! So why do I never get invited?

I've made it such a point to include him in my life that my family gives him a present every year at Christmas. Every Thanksgiving he's there (granted, he's usually doing the cooking) but he's really a part of my family at this point. He's even invited to my cousins wedding! So why do I not fit that role in his life? If we were to separate and move away from each otehr, would we still keep in contact? I feel uncertain at this point...I know that I would want to. Why am I so insecure about this? and why do these issues continually pop up throughout the history of our relationship?

There are only so many times you can go around the same merry-go-round before you have to get off and evaluate things. Why continues to put forth effort into a friendship that maybe the other person isn't interested in maintaing? What if they simply look at it as a friendship/roomate of conveinance? Dont pretend to be my friend but not really give a shit either way about me. That's not ok.

I hold myself in the highest esteem. I am the loyalest person you could ever meet. So why do I not have relationships in my life that reflect that?

I'm tired of struggling with this.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

A Million Stars

A million stars

One man

A million men

A million stars

All of them were wrong

All of them were you

I tried to be quiet.

I tried to be happy.

I wasn’t ready.

Couldn’t you see I wasn’t ready?

Now I’m a black hole.

All to myself.

Seeing no one.

Touching only temporary

The hot bursts of passion,

Followed by the black silence

Of nothing, again.

Everyday I’m reminded.

Everyday I see a million stars.

All of them are you.

It Happened One Night

It happens in the night, when he comes crawling through my window. Smelling of Abercrombie, and wearing it too...soft as cotton. His body, hard as granite, smothers me with warmth and passion. His full lips show an all day desire to meet with mine. Sweaty and quiet, it happens, like plate collision. It ends in a timely manner and we dress in darkness. Out the window we crawl at an hour later than midnight, to the small box with wheels parked two houses down. Holding hands, we drive to our late school night destiny. A club of men and pounding music, we fuse into one and become born again. After we leave, we meld again in the backseat of a Honda Civic, among the college textbooks and belt buckles. We hold hands again and begin the journey home at 4am. At 4:45, we stop at the beach to look at the moonlight in each others arms, death, dawn and havoc leering in the air nearby. Without a word spoken, my head is slammed into the lifeguard's chair. Blood pours out from a head wound, staining my eyes. I blindly retaliate, connecting my foot with a private spot. He jabs me in the stomach and sends me into a sand dune. My face is rubbed in the sand until I'm pulled up, gasping for air. I'm picked up and carried. I think I'm saved. I hear water splashed and the cold wetness covers my body. My head is held under until I suffocate. He leaves me, wet and bloodied, to float in the lake, only five houses down from mine. "He was my lover" he screams as he gets into his car. He wasn't talking about me.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

"Alrighty"

So it's no secret that I struggle with dating. It's just not fun for me. I usually tend to meet my mates in non-traditional settings anyway, going out on "dates" has never yeilded any successful ventures for me. Anyway...I'm sitting up in bed, half reading and half watching Sex and the City, and something sort of dawned on me...why do so many people subdue themselves on dates/when their getting to know someone in an effort to seem more appealing? Granted, I'm probably not the most qualified person to comment on this since I haven't had any luck finding someone I'd want to be bothered with calling my boyfriend, but still. I dont understand the purpose of holding back certain qualities we all possess in different degrees (moodiness, messiness, ditzyness) just to seem more appealing to someone AT FIRST. I mean...these things are all going to come out eventually...some of them may even lead to the demise of a relationship, should you get one going. So what's wrong with just being yourself and letting things fall where they may? If you're a slob, I'd like to know upfront. Dont surprise me with that shit after we've been dating for awhile, we decide to move in together and then I learn that you dont wash dishes, do laundry in timely intervals and only shower for special occassions. That leaves me feeling deceived and wondering what else you're hiding or dispersing in intervals.
With that being said, I leave you all with this. My name is Timothy. I'm impatient, slightly OCD about having things in order, sometimes I pee and forget to put the lid back down, I shower twice daily and I do most things to the tune of my ipod.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'm goin through some changes!

So the roomate and I moved! haha. It's actually just down the st from where we lived in the apartment before last. I hope we stay here for awhile because LOOOORD am I sick of moving! lol The apartment is cute, it's on the 3rd floor, which I LOOVE. haha. We've already got most of the place looking great and feeling like home. I'm glad I can honestly put the whole drama of moving/staying roomates behind me (at least for now) for a long time so I dont have to be so paranoid about it. I think he appriciates the dynamic and trust we have for each other and I'm sure he'd much rather think about other things as well, so I think our living situation is in a good place right now.

So work is...work. I'm still having the same problem of not wanting to get up and go there in the morning, and I'm not sure what that's all about. I know it's kind of getting me in hot water there but in typical Tim fashion, I push the limits until I cant push anymore. lol. Hopefully me pushing the limits doesn't result in me getting fired because that would be...well, awful. I like my job and I'd like to keep it. haha

The rest is just the usual stuff. I'm striving to be a better person, fulfill more of my interests, make my mark on the world. I thought it would be easier to do now that I'm working less but I just have this BLOCKAGE that isn't allowing me to get past it. I went to a few therapy sessions to see if I could make some progress with that but it ended up feeling like I was paying 35 bucks a pop just to talk to a friend I didn't like very much who did nothing but listen to me talk for an hour. Not so beneficial. I need suggestions, commentary, direction! lol. That whole experience sort of pissed me off too because the man who did my evaluation and intake even said to me "Well, clearly you're no wallflower. You need someone who can give you some direction". and I agreed...so I'm not so sure who I ended up getting paired with a 6'4 version of Tinkerbell. ::shrugs:: I'm sure I'll give therapy another stab, just not right now. Maybe after working two jobs for almost 3 years, what I need is to do nothing for awhile. We'll see, I guess!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Keepin it real vs Being a hater...


There is SUUUUCH a fine line between the two these days. It sort of annoys me because "hater" is one of those most over-used words today. When you speak some sort of discourse for anything, you're labeled a "hater". Now I'll fully cop to being a hater sometimes. Mention anything Lil Kim related and you'll see my face turn green and venom spew forth from my mouth. But other than that, I definitely keep it real.


I don't like people who are naive enough to beleive in that fallacy that everyone should get along. That's the reason why the world has so many problems. People are more interested in being fake, smiling in your face and then talking mad shit about you behind your back in the name of maintaining civility. It's much easier, honest and BETTER (IMO) to just "keep it real" and say what you feel. There are polite ways to let someone know you're not feeling them. I think the point that people miss, also, is that it's important to respect other points of view. No one opinion is better than another and everyone is entitled to their own.


Monday, January 24, 2011

Help

I've definitely realized in the past few days that I think I've got kind of a shaky support system. Certain individuals are too wrapped up in certain drama to see how it's effecting (affecting?) me and people that I thought were close to me and had my back seem to just ignore me and haven't offered much sympathy or distraction from the stress of everything that I'm experiencing. I understand that we all come into this world alone and we all leave it alone but with these few select people (and some of them are family) I have offered nothing but support and love and I feel I'm not getting the same in return. Yes, I can admit that sometimes I can be dramatic, but I really, truly am overwhelmed and sad. I know that this is just a temporary situation and it will end, as all bad things do, but it would be nice if my "friends" were there to soften the bumps on this portion of the road.

But, I'm always taking mental notes of things and what goes around does come back around...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

a New Year, another Birthday...



So in about 33 minutes, it will be January 2nd and it will be my 28th year. 2010 was a pretty interesting year. I got a promotion that came with a raise and then another raise. I began dating again (though with no lasting success). Other than that, the year has been pretty unremarkable. I'm hoping that 2011 has exciting things in store for me. I wrote a list of a few small, personal things I'd like to accomplish this year a few days ago and I put it away in a private place. After thinking about it, I want to put those things out in the open on here. A few of them may not seem too personal but some others are very personal and almost painful to talk about. Please respect that, should you feel the need to comment.

1. I want to see the Statue of Liberty.

2. I want to be more social. In the past 3-4 years, I've become increasingly hermetic and I want to reverse that. As I look around myself, the list of people I consider close continues to grow smaller and smaller. I almost feel that now none of my "friends" are really my friends. I think it's time I dusted myself off and got back to being "me" instead of being "me" all on my own.

3. I want to write more. I haven't expressed myself through writing in a really long time. I used to be pretty good at it, at least in my own opinion. I miss feeling the release it used to give me. To get your emotions out on paper/Word is a great feeling. It makes me feel accomplished and relieved all at once.

4. I want to date again. I'm in one of those weird grey areas with a certain man right now and I'd like it go somewhere but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Everytime I think I'm ready to date again, I seem to turn into a totally different person. I get angry and distrustful, my lonliness amplifies itself and I yearn for past lovers to be present so I didn't have to go through things involved with dating. I REALLY hate dating and I just hope that 2011 is the year I can maybe get over that a little.

5. Probably my most personal resolution, I want to get into therapy again. I have my first appointment in a few days and I'm hoping that I can make some sort of breakthroughs with what goes on in this crazy, overcrowded, jaded brain of mine. lol.

6. I don't want to be so angry and judgemental anymore. I am so much like my Mother in so many ways but I absolutely do not possess her natural sense of optomism. I think it's something I can work on and maybe gain a little of but it's not going to come easy. I want to make the effort. I realize that I can't go through life with such a natural deep-seeded distrust of people.

7. I really don't want to work as much. I have a job that I love that fulfills me and contributes to the world in the way that I want it to. I have a second job that I hate, get nothing out of and generally resent it everytime I have to go into work there. Yes I need that little bit of extra money it gives me (and its never nearly enough) but dammit, I'm going to have to work for the REST OF MY LIFE! Why not try and achieve some small piece of mind instead? I would be able to put more energy into my real job, mainting social relationships with people and maybe rekindle the inner fire that I feel like I've lost. I realize how incredibly EASY it is to blame all my problems on working too much because there are people who work more than I do (somewhere, I'm sure there's someone) and manage to have a healthy social/love life, a robust bank account and a general sense of peace and happiness (whoever you are, I hate you).

8. Probably my most embarassing goal of 2011? I'd like to lose a little weight. I'm fortunately not one of the zofdig people who resents their bodies and is made miserable by it but I would like to not be quite so zofdig. I'm not obese by any means but I'd just like to drop a few and be a little more comfortable in a general sense.