"Alrighty"

So it's no secret that I struggle with dating. It's just not fun for me. I usually tend to meet my mates in non-traditional settings anyway, going out on "dates" has never yeilded any successful ventures for me. Anyway...I'm sitting up in bed, half reading and half watching Sex and the City, and something sort of dawned on me...why do so many people subdue themselves on dates/when their getting to know someone in an effort to seem more appealing? Granted, I'm probably not the most qualified person to comment on this since I haven't had any luck finding someone I'd want to be bothered with calling my boyfriend, but still. I dont understand the purpose of holding back certain qualities we all possess in different degrees (moodiness, messiness, ditzyness) just to seem more appealing to someone AT FIRST. I mean...these things are all going to come out eventually...some of them may even lead to the demise of a relationship, should you get one going. So what's wrong with just being yourself and letting things fall where they may? If you're a slob, I'd like to know upfront. Dont surprise me with that shit after we've been dating for awhile, we decide to move in together and then I learn that you dont wash dishes, do laundry in timely intervals and only shower for special occassions. That leaves me feeling deceived and wondering what else you're hiding or dispersing in intervals.

With that being said, I leave you all with this. My name is Timothy. I'm impatient, slightly OCD about having things in order, sometimes I pee and forget to put the lid back down, I shower twice daily and I do most things to the tune of my ipod.

I'm goin through some changes!

So the roomate and I moved! haha. It's actually just down the st from where we lived in the apartment before last. I hope we stay here for awhile because LOOOORD am I sick of moving! lol The apartment is cute, it's on the 3rd floor, which I LOOVE. haha. We've already got most of the place looking great and feeling like home. I'm glad I can honestly put the whole drama of moving/staying roomates behind me (at least for now) for a long time so I dont have to be so paranoid about it. I think he appriciates the dynamic and trust we have for each other and I'm sure he'd much rather think about other things as well, so I think our living situation is in a good place right now.

So work is...work. I'm still having the same problem of not wanting to get up and go there in the morning, and I'm not sure what that's all about. I know it's kind of getting me in hot water there but in typical Tim fashion, I push the limits until I cant push anymore. lol. Hopefully me pushing the limits doesn't result in me getting fired because that would be...well, awful. I like my job and I'd like to keep it. haha

The rest is just the usual stuff. I'm striving to be a better person, fulfill more of my interests, make my mark on the world. I thought it would be easier to do now that I'm working less but I just have this BLOCKAGE that isn't allowing me to get past it. I went to a few therapy sessions to see if I could make some progress with that but it ended up feeling like I was paying 35 bucks a pop just to talk to a friend I didn't like very much who did nothing but listen to me talk for an hour. Not so beneficial. I need suggestions, commentary, direction! lol. That whole experience sort of pissed me off too because the man who did my evaluation and intake even said to me "Well, clearly you're no wallflower. You need someone who can give you some direction". and I agreed...so I'm not so sure who I ended up getting paired with a 6'4 version of Tinkerbell. ::shrugs:: I'm sure I'll give therapy another stab, just not right now. Maybe after working two jobs for almost 3 years, what I need is to do nothing for awhile. We'll see, I guess!

Keepin it real vs Being a hater...

There is SUUUUCH a fine line between the two these days. It sort of annoys me because "hater" is one of those most over-used words today. When you speak some sort of discourse for anything, you're labeled a "hater". Now I'll fully cop to being a hater sometimes. Mention anything Lil Kim related and you'll see my face turn green and venom spew forth from my mouth. But other than that, I definitely keep it real.

I don't like people who are naive enough to beleive in that fallacy that everyone should get along. That's the reason why the world has so many problems. People are more interested in being fake, smiling in your face and then talking mad shit about you behind your back in the name of maintaining civility. It's much easier, honest and BETTER (IMO) to just "keep it real" and say what you feel. There are polite ways to let someone know you're not feeling them. I think the point that people miss, also, is that it's important to respect other points of view. No one opinion is better than another and everyone is entitled to their own.

Help

I've definitely realized in the past few days that I think I've got kind of a shaky support system. Certain individuals are too wrapped up in certain drama to see how it's effecting (affecting?) me and people that I thought were close to me and had my back seem to just ignore me and haven't offered much sympathy or distraction from the stress of everything that I'm experiencing. I understand that we all come into this world alone and we all leave it alone but with these few select people (and some of them are family) I have offered nothing but support and love and I feel I'm not getting the same in return. Yes, I can admit that sometimes I can be dramatic, but I really, truly am overwhelmed and sad. I know that this is just a temporary situation and it will end, as all bad things do, but it would be nice if my "friends" were there to soften the bumps on this portion of the road.

But, I'm always taking mental notes of things and what goes around does come back around...

a New Year, another Birthday...

So in about 33 minutes, it will be January 2nd and it will be my 28th year. 2010 was a pretty interesting year. I got a promotion that came with a raise and then another raise. I began dating again (though with no lasting success). Other than that, the year has been pretty unremarkable. I'm hoping that 2011 has exciting things in store for me. I wrote a list of a few small, personal things I'd like to accomplish this year a few days ago and I put it away in a private place. After thinking about it, I want to put those things out in the open on here. A few of them may not seem too personal but some others are very personal and almost painful to talk about. Please respect that, should you feel the need to comment.

1. I want to see the Statue of Liberty.

2. I want to be more social. In the past 3-4 years, I've become increasingly hermetic and I want to reverse that. As I look around myself, the list of people I consider close continues to grow smaller and smaller. I almost feel that now none of my "friends" are really my friends. I think it's time I dusted myself off and got back to being "me" instead of being "me" all on my own.

3. I want to write more. I haven't expressed myself through writing in a really long time. I used to be pretty good at it, at least in my own opinion. I miss feeling the release it used to give me. To get your emotions out on paper/Word is a great feeling. It makes me feel accomplished and relieved all at once.

4. I want to date again. I'm in one of those weird grey areas with a certain man right now and I'd like it go somewhere but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Everytime I think I'm ready to date again, I seem to turn into a totally different person. I get angry and distrustful, my lonliness amplifies itself and I yearn for past lovers to be present so I didn't have to go through things involved with dating. I REALLY hate dating and I just hope that 2011 is the year I can maybe get over that a little.

5. Probably my most personal resolution, I want to get into therapy again. I have my first appointment in a few days and I'm hoping that I can make some sort of breakthroughs with what goes on in this crazy, overcrowded, jaded brain of mine. lol.

6. I don't want to be so angry and judgemental anymore. I am so much like my Mother in so many ways but I absolutely do not possess her natural sense of optomism. I think it's something I can work on and maybe gain a little of but it's not going to come easy. I want to make the effort. I realize that I can't go through life with such a natural deep-seeded distrust of people.

7. I really don't want to work as much. I have a job that I love that fulfills me and contributes to the world in the way that I want it to. I have a second job that I hate, get nothing out of and generally resent it everytime I have to go into work there. Yes I need that little bit of extra money it gives me (and its never nearly enough) but dammit, I'm going to have to work for the REST OF MY LIFE! Why not try and achieve some small piece of mind instead? I would be able to put more energy into my real job, mainting social relationships with people and maybe rekindle the inner fire that I feel like I've lost. I realize how incredibly EASY it is to blame all my problems on working too much because there are people who work more than I do (somewhere, I'm sure there's someone) and manage to have a healthy social/love life, a robust bank account and a general sense of peace and happiness (whoever you are, I hate you).

8. Probably my most embarassing goal of 2011? I'd like to lose a little weight. I'm fortunately not one of the zofdig people who resents their bodies and is made miserable by it but I would like to not be quite so zofdig. I'm not obese by any means but I'd just like to drop a few and be a little more comfortable in a general sense.

"I didn't notice the signs, you covered both of my eyes."

That title pretty much sums up my entire history with relationships. I seem to get lost in them. I seem to not see what's right in front of me. Of course it's easy to blame the other person and say they deceived me, and I'm positive that I HAVE been deceived before, but it's important for me to take responsibility as well.

Lately I've been trying to figure out why I'm so angry all the time. I haven't been in a real relationship in two years (and dont want to be in one now) but have I gotten too used to doing things myself? Have I become so jaded that something as simple as a compliment seems insincere to me? I dont feel like I'm holding onto any residual resentment but am I? Who do you talk to in order to get answers to these questions? lol.

I just know that I'm starting to go down a not-so-good emotional path. I've been coming home and sleeping and I've been feeling more stressed/emotional than normal lately. I just want to figure out whatever it is that's bothering me and deal with it so I can move on with life. lol.

Why I'm done hating Nicki Minaj...

So first, a brief history... when I first heard Nicki Minaj, it was some mixtape song called "Beef Stew". I thought it was cute. Nothing too sophisticated about it. Heard a few more songs of hers and wasn't too impressed. It was all very nursery school rhyming to me. The more I heard from her, the more I hated her. I kept WAITING and WAITING for a female vet (Foxy, Rah Digga, Eve...hell, even Krumbery Bones) to drop something to rock her simple, nursery school rhyming ass out of the water...and it never happened. lol. That bum bitch Keys tried to come for her in the Itty Bitty Piggy remake but once she dropped her own material, it was pretty clear that Keys would never be a contender.

Anyway, then she did the BET Cypher and KILLED it! I was back in her corner, expecting more stuff like that from her. Then she dropped "Massive Attack" and "Your Love" which made me hate her again. More stupid, elementary rap garbage. Then she did "Monster" and "Check It Out" which made me like her once more. Then the other day, "Romans Revenge" with Eminem leaked and upon liking it, I realized something. All the bitching and moaning that people (including me) have been doing about her is pretty irrelevant. She's the ONLY female in the rap game right now really doing anything. Sure, Rah Digga dropped an album last month that went triple gum wrapper (despite it being a pretty dope cd. Yes, I copped it.) but other females, at this point, have had MANY an oppurtunity to steal the spotlight back and yet, haven't. Foxy is busy holding down the fort at Popeye's, Eve is off being Hollywood somewhere and Krumberly is just...praying to stay half relevant (I have never liked her so you won't find me saying anything nice about her...ever).

and speaking of Krumberly Bones...what a joke. She made all that noise about Nicki not paying homage, talked shit in all kinds of interviews, even did some promo tour (for what?) and never bothered to drop a single, hop on a remix or anything. So my ENTIRE point is this. If you dont like Nicki Minaj, that's fine. But at least respect her hustle. No other female has bothered to try and steal her shine so just let her have her moment.

and yes, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for Foxy to put down the two piece and Remy to make early parole.