Sex vs Love

Ahh man. More relationship type stuff. haha. Sometimes I wonder if I think about anything else. So this weekend I went to DC for the first time...but this blog entry won't be about that. On the very long bus ride, I had plenty of time to think about things. One of those things I got to thinking about was sex. It kinda made me miss it...well, specifically sex with someone I love. Sex is just so much better with someone you have a connection with. I don't mean the sort of connection where you're just insanely attracted to someone and can't wait to jump their bones. I mean the sort of attraction where you actually give a shit what they think...you don't want them to leave the immediate second after the deed is done...the kind of connection where you can just close your eyes and let go. I miss being close to someone on that level. I still don't feel like I'm emotionally ready for a relationship but I'm getting closer. If anything I wish I just had that kind of cut buddy type of friend. Not really someone you have sex with all the time but just someone you can kick it with and sometimes you sleep together and it's never weird. The friendship is there and the sex is there but none of the relationship baggage. People don't seem to get that these days though.

I guess I'll just keep doin what I've been doin: Me.

SOUND OFF!!

Ok, before reading this, I want everyone to go read this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marten-weber/gay-racism_b_1295368.html?ref=gay-voices&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008

Wow. What an atrocious piece of shit masking itself as social commentary. First of all, to base a professional article off of observations on a sex site (which is all grindr is. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a ho) is just sad and very lazy. and OF COURSE it had to be written by a fat, white gay guy. I'd really like to buy him a dictionary because being racist has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with not being attracted to people based on size and age (see size discrimination and ageism if you're confused). A personal preference does not equal an act of racism/size discrimination or ageism.

Secondly, the author commits the exact behavior that he's writing about condemning. You can't base your travels off of reactions (again, on sex sites) to photographs you post and expect to get an accurate representation of racial tolerance. That's the ultimate act of the pot calling the kettle black. Judgey Mary much? Would I not visit London as an American of Middle Eastern descent because I went on Grindr one day and no one liked my photo? I'd be a FOOL!

Also, the claim that gay men tend to be attracted to qualities that they themselves posses or would like to shouldn't be solely based as a tendency of gay men...EVERYONE does that to a degree. It's important in any healthy, functional relationship to share similar qualities/goals/values. Also, to quote Edmund White (another fat, white gay guy), who ties homosexuality in with his own incestuous feelings, is not what I would consider solid ground for the basis of an argument. The quote reads "The first act of homosexual love, then, is impersonation.". No surprise here, I also disagree. I've been in what I would consider three serious relationships thus far in my life, NONE of which I would consider any form of impersonation. I've always prided myself on being my own individual and have usually always done things on my own terms, peer pressure be damned. To diminish an entire sexual population as a gaggle of followers is insulting. It's unfortunate that Mr. White and Mr. Weber don't seem to have lived a positive homosexual experience. While it's very easy to fall into the trap of saying that 'all gay guys are the same", even I'm guilty of this at times, it simply doesn't ring true.

and lastly, really all the article proves is that gay people are just like everyone else. We all like what we like and sometimes it's very particular and not all inclusive. That's what makes the world go round. How boring life would be if we were all attracted to the same things. The expression reads "variety is the spice of life" for a reason. The author should be concerned as coming off as bitter and focus on being in the happy, committed, interracial relationship he claims to be in.

Comment away!

Happy New Year

So I'm 8 days late, whatever. It was a nice boring New Year...just sat and watched the ball drop on tv with my roomate. I had REALLY wanted to go out on this cruise with fireworks over the harbor but the tickets were sold out. It's funny that I even wanted to do anything but oh well. My birthday was pretty great. I'm another year older! haha.

I don't really have any deep thoughts I wanted to express here...just wanted to acknowledge that another year has passed and another is already into it's 2nd week. haha. I'm not going to set any goals that I want to accomplish this year for myself (because I didn't really accomplish any of the ones I set for myself in an entry last year.) but I will say that this year I just want to have a generally positive experience...just all around positive energy and forward motion, always progressing and no expectations. I'd say that's pretty reasonable, wouldn't you?

Perth

Contentment is a funny thing. It's very fleeting. This summer I felt at ease with myself, somewhat. I found a newly found sense of peace. Yes, I was struggling with my social relation issues but I mostly felt good about me. Now? Well, I'm kind of bored. haha. I feel like I've lived such a paradoxical life. It's always gone from one extreme to the next. I've gone through so many things and experiences, I honestly feel bad for whoever has to deliver my eulogy. And let's not even think about what would go on my gravestone, there isn't enough room for it all. Now that I'm approaching 30 (eeek!), I still find myself holding on to standards I should've let go ages ago. I'm also learning that growing older and maturing is all about constantly re-evaluating yourself. It's good to realize that your core principles will always be there but everything else is usually going to be in a state of flux. Friends and lovers come and go but as long as you're at peace with yourself, that's ok.

We celebrated Thanksgiving this past Thursday and I'm so thankful for so much. I'm thankful I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy, thankful I have two jobs while many have none (tho I'm gonna try and stay away from that subject), thankful I have a handful of people that love and accept me.

Do I know what lies ahead? No. Does anyone? I think plenty of people THINK they do but they don't really. I need to stop worrying so much about it and just take it as it comes.

Pale September

"And all my armour fallin down in a pile at my feet..."

That's pretty much how life is going for me lately. I feel like I'm in this weird stage, at the age of 28, of re-figuring out some core things about myself. I'm basically a hermit living in this big city. The only people I spend any time with regularly are my sister and my roomate...which, lets face it, are both pretty built in support systems. They're both have to spend time with me, sort of obligation I guess...which doesn't bring forth too many rosey, warm feelings. lol. I dunno, I'm finding more and more that the things I enjoy and love are pretty much solitary activities. Listening to music, reading books, keeping up with politics and news aren't really things you grab a friend or two to do.

I guess the problem I have is this weird dilemma...or pressure I feel from people/society/whatever that I SHOULD have regular social interactions with people I'm not forced to see. I just dont have the desire, I guess. The only area where I feel like I actually AM lacking something is in the significant other department. "I Get So Lonely" (sang it Janet! lol) sometimes. I mean, at 28, this is the prime time for settling down. This is the age when most people do it or start thinking about settling down with their "boo". I currently have no prospects. haha. The way I live my life doesn't really lend itself to meeting anyone either. I wake up, I go to work, I go home. Sometimes I go out for coffee or to go shopping. But I always have an agenda and I tend not to stray from it. I've also been told a time or two that I don't come across as approachable. I have profiles on a few websites but all that seems to lead to is a night or two of sex...which is nice but sex doesn't lead to a walk down the aisle.

I didn't even realize that maybe I would want to get married one day until about a week ago. I was talking to my Mom and she was telling me about this wedding that she had went to that had a lot of gay male married couples in it. She said to me "I can't wait until the day when I can talk about my married gay son" and how she hoped that I would one day find someone that I'd want to call my husband. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hang up. It seems like a corny, stereotypical response but it's truly how I felt. All through my teens and most of my twenties I had boyfriends. For going on 3 years now, I've been single. I've definitely made peace with it and I'm for sure comfortable being on my own...but I think I've gotten too used to being on my own and I don't know how to open myself back up to meeting men and being approachable. Part of the problem is me and part of the problem is everyone else. No exageration here, I don't know any gay couples. None.

and not to blame my problems on outside factors. I think anyone who knows me knows that I have no problem accepting my faults. I'm not really an "excuse" person. I do think there's something weird about Boston though. This city is not a warm, welcoming city. It's not easy to meet people here because everyone has an agenda...and everyone comes across as non-approachable (so I guess I fit in, in that regard). I remember when I lived in Houston, everyone was so friendly. I only lived there for a short time and I had way more friends than I do after having lived here since the top of 2007. I'm not asking for a miracle nor do I expect or want to change myself in any way that's not authentic but there's GOT to be someone in a 20 mile radius who's genuine, has shared interests that we can both find each other attractive. lol.

Indifference is a mothafu***

So lately I've been reading a lot of self help book/dating books. I've been getting that nagging feelings that something is missing from my life and I don't know what. I think it's because I keep feeling some sort of pressure of having to define my life with other peoples expectations. I don't have lots of friends or a boyfriend and so I think people look at me a certain way. In fact, I know they do because my Mom and Sister confirmed this with me two weekends ago. We all met up and went out to lunch and, as usual, started discussing each other's obstacles, acheivements and future prospects. Usually I leave these conversations feeling refreshed, knowing that if no one else in this world "gets" me, those two do. I had no such feeling this time around. It basically turned into finger pointing, with them saying that I'm closing myself off and not allowing myself the opportunity to meet new "friends" ( though I know they meant a man).

Now, first let me say, I don't know why it's a bad thing that I don't have a boyfriend. I will say that so many people seem to think it's odd that I don't want one that I'm starting to question my own desires and wondering if I don't want one or I'm afraid of getting one. I can't really say at this point, which means I guess I'm probably afraid of putting myself out there. haha I just feel like I'm at such a weird stage in life that no one gets me.

I do not enjoy going out to nightclubs or bars. I had a fake ID at 16 and did the club scene well into my early twenties. I can promise you that, not having stepped foot in a club in almost two years, the scene has not changed. You can change the apolstery on a couch but it still has the same frame. I'm much more turned on by someone who can hold a conversation than by someone who can buy me drinks I can already for myself and dance with to music I probably don't want to hear. And then there's all the bumping and pushing. I can't help it, I got it out of my system early. If anything, I OVERDID the club scene. On a Friday night, I'm unwinding from a stressful work week. I'd rather have a cold glass of wine and read a book lying next to my dog.

Another major issue I find with today's dating scene: People are WAY too caught up in social media. Lets face it. In the majority of cases, we've already seen ten or so pictures of our date, read their profiles/facebook statuses/tweets and know so much information up front about them that would've taken WEEKS to learn from back in the day when there was no internet/cell phones/facebook/a4a/craigslist. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS. They were a lot more fun. It took a lot more effort. When you spent time with someone, it was because you wanted to. Nowadays people spend time with people just to kill time til they move on to the next thing. It was exciting to sit across from someone over a meal and drinks and discuss things. Now we're given most of that information upfront. What does it leave? Not much. In fact, I've seen that it's so commonplace to just jump into bed on the first "date", if you even get that far, that "relationships" have such a short shelf life.

I also think people use social media as a way to solely validate themselves. I see so many people do relationship jumping, never dealing with any of their own issues and baggage and carrying them over to the next one. It just creates collateral damage. After my last serious relationship ended, I guess I haven't built myself back up to where I'm ready to invest in another person wholeheartedly. I refuse to compromise in that.

I just can't help that lately I've been getting that nagging feeling that maybe it's time to poke my head out on the scene again and see who's around. Indifference is a mothafucka.

Self Worth

You ever have one of those days where it's sposed to be great...but it isnt? I'm having one of those today. lol Earlier today, I was given a promotion at work. I worked hard for it, I trained for it and it was well deserved...and I felt great for most of the day. Then I was watching a tv show earlier and the subject matter brought up some ill feelings that I guess I hadn't recognized were so close to surface. It got me to thinking about past relationships, current relationships and taking a critical look at myself. Now I know I'm a lot to handle. I've stated this several times throughout this blog. I'm a very "grab the bull by the horns" kind of person in my life and relationships. I can be "go with the flow" but it takes awhile and certain level of comfort for me to be that way...there are very few people in my life that I am this way with. Those are the people I feel most comfortable with.

However, I got to thinking about some of these relationships...and I started to feel, once again, that I'm a little bit taken for granted. Take for instance my roomate. We have a unique history but the fact of the matter is that today, THIS very day, we are friends. What I consider close friends. We know each other's daily business, the complications and the joys...but then I started thinking that it's been quite one sided for some time now. I always opening share my feelings, experiences, desires and i expect the same in return. Communication has pretty much always been an issue for us but I've adjusted my expectations to fit him and the type of person that he is, which is one who doesn't really communicate at all. He internalizes pretty much everything and he's very selfish. But I love him and accept him for that but I just wish that he could adjust his expectations for dealing with me a little. Think outside of himself. Maybe I don't always want to be the one who cleans the house. It would be SO NICE for him to come up with a plan for something for us to do instead of me always making the plan, picking the day and time and the follow through. It's exhausting.

He's also very inconsiderate. I understand that we are roomates and friends and that I don't have the right nor is it necessary that I know where he is and what he's doing at all hours of the day. However, I think that lately he's been extra uncourtious (is that a word?) coming in at late hours (when he knows I go to bed early because I get up for work early)..and he never attempts to include me in any sort of plans he makes with other people. Whenever we hang out, it's always either just the two of us or it's MY friends who accompany us. Now again, I'm not the easiest person to get along with and I generally dont associate with the same types of people that he does, but a little effort goes a long way. Do I think it's fun to go to a gay karaoke bar and hang out with losers with no real jobs to speak of every Wednesday night as he does? No. Do I think it's fun to go out drinking with a group of people as he often does? You bet your ass I do! So why do I never get invited?

I've made it such a point to include him in my life that my family gives him a present every year at Christmas. Every Thanksgiving he's there (granted, he's usually doing the cooking) but he's really a part of my family at this point. He's even invited to my cousins wedding! So why do I not fit that role in his life? If we were to separate and move away from each otehr, would we still keep in contact? I feel uncertain at this point...I know that I would want to. Why am I so insecure about this? and why do these issues continually pop up throughout the history of our relationship?

There are only so many times you can go around the same merry-go-round before you have to get off and evaluate things. Why continues to put forth effort into a friendship that maybe the other person isn't interested in maintaing? What if they simply look at it as a friendship/roomate of conveinance? Dont pretend to be my friend but not really give a shit either way about me. That's not ok.

I hold myself in the highest esteem. I am the loyalest person you could ever meet. So why do I not have relationships in my life that reflect that?

I'm tired of struggling with this.