So lately I've been reading a lot of self help book/dating books. I've been getting that nagging feelings that something is missing from my life and I don't know what. I think it's because I keep feeling some sort of pressure of having to define my life with other peoples expectations. I don't have lots of friends or a boyfriend and so I think people look at me a certain way. In fact, I know they do because my Mom and Sister confirmed this with me two weekends ago. We all met up and went out to lunch and, as usual, started discussing each other's obstacles, acheivements and future prospects. Usually I leave these conversations feeling refreshed, knowing that if no one else in this world "gets" me, those two do. I had no such feeling this time around. It basically turned into finger pointing, with them saying that I'm closing myself off and not allowing myself the opportunity to meet new "friends" ( though I know they meant a man).
Now, first let me say, I don't know why it's a bad thing that I don't have a boyfriend. I will say that so many people seem to think it's odd that I don't want one that I'm starting to question my own desires and wondering if I don't want one or I'm afraid of getting one. I can't really say at this point, which means I guess I'm probably afraid of putting myself out there. haha I just feel like I'm at such a weird stage in life that no one gets me.
I do not enjoy going out to nightclubs or bars. I had a fake ID at 16 and did the club scene well into my early twenties. I can promise you that, not having stepped foot in a club in almost two years, the scene has not changed. You can change the apolstery on a couch but it still has the same frame. I'm much more turned on by someone who can hold a conversation than by someone who can buy me drinks I can already for myself and dance with to music I probably don't want to hear. And then there's all the bumping and pushing. I can't help it, I got it out of my system early. If anything, I OVERDID the club scene. On a Friday night, I'm unwinding from a stressful work week. I'd rather have a cold glass of wine and read a book lying next to my dog.
Another major issue I find with today's dating scene: People are WAY too caught up in social media. Lets face it. In the majority of cases, we've already seen ten or so pictures of our date, read their profiles/facebook statuses/tweets and know so much information up front about them that would've taken WEEKS to learn from back in the day when there was no internet/cell phones/facebook/a4a/craigslist. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS. They were a lot more fun. It took a lot more effort. When you spent time with someone, it was because you wanted to. Nowadays people spend time with people just to kill time til they move on to the next thing. It was exciting to sit across from someone over a meal and drinks and discuss things. Now we're given most of that information upfront. What does it leave? Not much. In fact, I've seen that it's so commonplace to just jump into bed on the first "date", if you even get that far, that "relationships" have such a short shelf life.
I also think people use social media as a way to solely validate themselves. I see so many people do relationship jumping, never dealing with any of their own issues and baggage and carrying them over to the next one. It just creates collateral damage. After my last serious relationship ended, I guess I haven't built myself back up to where I'm ready to invest in another person wholeheartedly. I refuse to compromise in that.
I just can't help that lately I've been getting that nagging feeling that maybe it's time to poke my head out on the scene again and see who's around. Indifference is a mothafucka.
