That title pretty much sums up my entire history with relationships. I seem to get lost in them. I seem to not see what's right in front of me. Of course it's easy to blame the other person and say they deceived me, and I'm positive that I HAVE been deceived before, but it's important for me to take responsibility as well.
Lately I've been trying to figure out why I'm so angry all the time. I haven't been in a real relationship in two years (and dont want to be in one now) but have I gotten too used to doing things myself? Have I become so jaded that something as simple as a compliment seems insincere to me? I dont feel like I'm holding onto any residual resentment but am I? Who do you talk to in order to get answers to these questions? lol.
I just know that I'm starting to go down a not-so-good emotional path. I've been coming home and sleeping and I've been feeling more stressed/emotional than normal lately. I just want to figure out whatever it is that's bothering me and deal with it so I can move on with life. lol.
So first, a brief history... when I first heard Nicki Minaj, it was some mixtape song called "Beef Stew". I thought it was cute. Nothing too sophisticated about it. Heard a few more songs of hers and wasn't too impressed. It was all very nursery school rhyming to me. The more I heard from her, the more I hated her. I kept WAITING and WAITING for a female vet (Foxy, Rah Digga, Eve...hell, even Krumbery Bones) to drop something to rock her simple, nursery school rhyming ass out of the water...and it never happened. lol. That bum bitch Keys tried to come for her in the Itty Bitty Piggy remake but once she dropped her own material, it was pretty clear that Keys would never be a contender.
Anyway, then she did the BET Cypher and KILLED it! I was back in her corner, expecting more stuff like that from her. Then she dropped "Massive Attack" and "Your Love" which made me hate her again. More stupid, elementary rap garbage. Then she did "Monster" and "Check It Out" which made me like her once more. Then the other day, "Romans Revenge" with Eminem leaked and upon liking it, I realized something. All the bitching and moaning that people (including me) have been doing about her is pretty irrelevant. She's the ONLY female in the rap game right now really doing anything. Sure, Rah Digga dropped an album last month that went triple gum wrapper (despite it being a pretty dope cd. Yes, I copped it.) but other females, at this point, have had MANY an oppurtunity to steal the spotlight back and yet, haven't. Foxy is busy holding down the fort at Popeye's, Eve is off being Hollywood somewhere and Krumberly is just...praying to stay half relevant (I have never liked her so you won't find me saying anything nice about her...ever).
and speaking of Krumberly Bones...what a joke. She made all that noise about Nicki not paying homage, talked shit in all kinds of interviews, even did some promo tour (for what?) and never bothered to drop a single, hop on a remix or anything. So my ENTIRE point is this. If you dont like Nicki Minaj, that's fine. But at least respect her hustle. No other female has bothered to try and steal her shine so just let her have her moment.
and yes, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for Foxy to put down the two piece and Remy to make early parole.
Now I realize that yes, I do work two jobs and no, I do not work particularly hard at one of them but that's a whole other blog entry for another day. My point is that yes, I'm aware that I'm sitting inside my glass house and I'm about to throw a stone...or ten. haha.
So I was on the Twitter on the train ride home after the work day from HELL today only to see this...buffoon in my timeline complaining, yet again, about this, that and the third, though none of it was very important. I'd been following this person for awhile, and him following me, and I wasn't sure WHY I was but a lot of the people I follow that I enjoy also follow this person. Every once in awhile he'd tweet something humorous but I didn't really get the allure...I digress. Now I know this person doesn't have a job. We had a conversation via IM about how he'd been out of work for awhile, I tried my best to listen and offer simple suggestions he could use to twerk his resume, etc. I could tell it went in one ear and out the other, which was frustrating because as a person who's been working two jobs simultaneously for the last 2.5 years, I clearly know what I'm talking about. lol.
So anyway, he was going off on some tangent and I had this...epiphany, I guess...which I'm sure y'all will find controversial and I'll be a bigger asshole that I already am...blah blah blah. what else is new? lol
I realized that I definitely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind did.not.care. what his thoughts,views,opinions were...on anything. I didn't care about his crappy, amateur poetry or his stupid youtube channel. His whole existence had no meaning to me, it held no weight. See, I'm a firm believer in hard work. If you're not waking up every morning, going to work and contributing to something, then you don't...matter. It's like people who bitch and complain about politics/politians but don't vote. If you don't vote, shut the fuck you: your opinion doesn't matter.
I think that's a HUGE problem that we have in today's society. We all think we have a voice and an opinion that matters and needs to be publicized. Hell, even what I'm doing here doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But my ass wakes up 6:34am every day and goes to work, so I feel like that justifies my online ramblings.
I feel like for every stride I make, I take two strides back. lol.
I also feel overwhelmed with what I should write here since sort of a lot has happened since my last entry...
Work is...ok. I'm feeling very burned out these days. I've definitely lost a lot zest for life. I feel like a mouse in a wheel, just pointlessly running in place 7 days a week. I'm not making very good money and I'm not really enjoying much out of life. lol. I need a vacation and a change. which brings me to...
So I think I'll be moving back home for a bit once the lease is up here. I feel like it may be good to clean my slate, save up some money and figure out what my plan is in a safe space. I wont have to worry about anything, really...and maybe I can FINALLY get rid of some of the lingering feelings I've been having towards my roomate (which really covers the gamut of emotions). It will definitely be stressful in other ways, like being a 28 yr old man who will now be living with his parents in the middle of nowhere, but ultimately I think I'll be able to give more focus to my health/fitness and save some serious cash. I get really sad when I think about giving up my independance, losing the conveinance of the city and well, missing Billy but I know it's a HUGE step in the right direction for now.
Lastly, I've been dating again! lol. I'm not going to dedicate any specific entries as I did previously but it seems promising. He's funny, he can hold a conversation and he's attractive, tho not what I usually go for. It will be interesting to see how things play out in regards to my future plans but i'm not going to give it too much thought at this point.
So there has been so much drama with work lately. Throughout all the drama, one good thing managed to happen though...I got a promotion! My new position is a lot more stressful that my previous one but I LOVE it. It's a challenge everyday and it ultimately contributes to something that I want to contribute to for the rest of my life (free, easy access to knowledge for EVERYONE). So getting back to the workplace drama...there has been a huge pay discrepancy going on for everyone in our Boston branch. We've all been underpaid for quite some time now, due to our neglegant manager and FINALLY something has been done about it. I wont go into details but basically, each of us was given a small amount of retro active pay. None of this pay was close to what we should've received, so we've been going back and forth with management and such. The situation WILL be resolved soon, I hope, but that's not the point of this entry...
The point is that I had called my Father earlier to talk about the situation. I had the silly disposition thinking that he'd say the same thing everyone else I've talked to about this has said and been like "Well they need to pay you what you should be paid, fair is fair!". I work hard, I've earned my keep, now pay me accordingly. lol. Well, he basically told me that I'm foolish for rocking the boat so hard and I should just take whatever they're willing to give and be happy that I have a job at the end of the day. Now, if he were a man who had a solid career and did good work that he was proud of day in and day out, I might have respected his commentary and marinated on it. But that's not the case. lol. My Dad is one of those guys you can boss around all day long, make him do stuff that's nowhere in his job description, and then pay him as little as possible and he will say NOTHING. I am NOT my father. lol.
I wish that more people valued themselves and the work they do. Granted, what I do is not difficult in the way that I'm not doing any real physical labor and I'm not handling multi million dollar accounts but I'm great at what I do and I'm efficient at what I do. I should be paid accordingly. As long as I'm treated fairly, I'll continue to work hard. That's the bottom line...so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! LOL
Relationships. We as a people put SO. MUCH. emphasis on relationships in life. Sometimes it makes me sad because it seems as if people don't value EVERYTHING else in life unless they have a boo. Now don't get it twisted: I definitely have my nights where I'd like nothing more than to lay my head on a nice, warm chest and feel some other mans arms down my back holding me close...and on those nights, I just pull my little Laqueesha tighter and drift back to sleep. Anyway...
Ya know how sometimes after a bad date or an unpleasant encounter, we tend to pop off about what's wrong with the OTHER person? That's easy. We can all point the finger and tell the next person what's wrong with them according to us...but how many of you can look in the mirror and point the finger at YOURSELF? I think that since I'm in my upper 20's (rapidly approaching 30, meeeeep!) Ive learned a few things, both about relationships and about myself and I have no problem pointing the finger at myself. Here a few things I can tell you about what's wrong with me...
1. I'm not so good outside of my comfort zone.
I'm really not. I hate surprises, I'm super awful with sugar coating things and I don't like fake pleasantries...which are 3 main components of dating. haha. I really do like things to be on my own terms. It gets considerably less severe the longer we get to know each other but from jump street I'm a real bitch to deal with. Most relationships (and this is both romantic and platonic) usually don't get very far into the honeymoon phase because of this. I'm set in my ways and I accept that.
2. I can't cook or drive.
I dont possess the patience or talent to be spending copious amounts of time slaving over a hot stove just to make a four star culinary fucking masterpiece. I'm a little selfish in the way that I'd rather spend my time doing other things. On the plus side, I'm a cleaner/organizer. I always tend to pick very messy, unorganized men for mates who enjoy cooking, so so far this hasn't held me back much in the dating world but I know that eventually it will. Every man wants to come home to a man that cooks. I'm so not that man. haha. As far as driving, it's never going to happen. I get distracted easy, I focus too much on not hitting other cars that I don't see stop signs and red lights. You can't talk to me if I'm driving. All the windows must be open regardless of weather and/or temperature. The radio cannot be above a whisper. I sweat and I get bitchy. And above all else, I am not legally registered to operate a motor vehicle in any of the 50 states of the continental United States of America and I firmly intend for it to stay that way until my passing. Accept it and move on upon meeting me.
3. I over-communicate...
Whenever a problem arises, I'm always the first to address it. I can be a bit of a nag. I'm always afraid that I'm not being heard/understood so I always make it a point to emphasize myself...redundantly...in an in-your-face sort of manner. I can be a little bossy because I tend to think my way is the best way.
4. ...but I hate talking on the phone.
I absolutely loathe talking on the phone. It's the most pointless thing in the world to me. I cant do other shit that I wanna do if I'm stuck holding a phone to my ear while you're on the other end yapping off about this, that and the third. I like to multi-task throughout my day and talking on the phone just slows me down. If it's important, feel free to call otherwise just send a text. I'm a HUGE texter. I can be cleaning the bathroom, singing a song and texting to 5 different people all at once and I wouldn't have it any other way.
5. I demand too much from people.
I demand too much from people. I expect people to always be upfront and honest with me and unfortunately that isn't how most people operate. It usually leaves me feeling let down and disrespected yet it's something I refuse to change about myself or work on. I expect people to treat me the way that I treat them. So if I'm out at a bar and I'm giving you special looks cuz I deem your behavior to be unecessary or extra, feel free to throw shade right back at me. I don't expect everyone to get along in life and it always annoys me when people DO expect that. I am an adult, however, and can respectfully wish for your vaporization from across the room without being classless and egregious.
6. I enjoy spending time with MYSELF.
I can be very selfish when it comes to how I spend my free time. I have my own set of interests. I dont have a ton of friends that I would want to spend a whole day with, so when I DO find one, I go all out...but it's so rare. I'd much rather be in bed reading or watching a movie on the couch than be in someone's club. I like to explore and not have to worry about the other person being as entertained as I am. Conversely, when I'm done with something I like to have the freedom to leave.
and probably the most important reason of all...
7. I'm not where I want to be/haven't figured out my lifes blueprint.
I have ridiculous amounts of debt. I work in a field I love but am not far enough up the ladder or payscale that I would like. I'm struggling with weight issues. I have an unconventional living situation. I have severe emotional baggage. All of these things GREATLY contribute to being in a healthy, functional, monogamous long term relationship. To further complicate things, I honestly don't know where I stand on marriage. I once thought I would be a perfect fit for marital bliss. After three failed, long term serious relationships and evalutating things, I'm not so sure it's for me anymore. I'm very guarded and I dont think I can see me giving 100% of myself to someone seriously enough to consider spending the rest of my life with them. People rush into things so quickly and give the lead to their emotions, myself included, and I'd rather hold out and go at a snails pace. It's hard to always stick to that standard and sometimes I settle. Until I figure out how to stay steadfast to that principle, it's probably best for me to avoid LTRs for the time being.
and now, I implore you to listen to the song below.
