I feel like for every stride I make, I take two strides back. lol.
I also feel overwhelmed with what I should write here since sort of a lot has happened since my last entry...
Work is...ok. I'm feeling very burned out these days. I've definitely lost a lot zest for life. I feel like a mouse in a wheel, just pointlessly running in place 7 days a week. I'm not making very good money and I'm not really enjoying much out of life. lol. I need a vacation and a change. which brings me to...
So I think I'll be moving back home for a bit once the lease is up here. I feel like it may be good to clean my slate, save up some money and figure out what my plan is in a safe space. I wont have to worry about anything, really...and maybe I can FINALLY get rid of some of the lingering feelings I've been having towards my roomate (which really covers the gamut of emotions). It will definitely be stressful in other ways, like being a 28 yr old man who will now be living with his parents in the middle of nowhere, but ultimately I think I'll be able to give more focus to my health/fitness and save some serious cash. I get really sad when I think about giving up my independance, losing the conveinance of the city and well, missing Billy but I know it's a HUGE step in the right direction for now.
Lastly, I've been dating again! lol. I'm not going to dedicate any specific entries as I did previously but it seems promising. He's funny, he can hold a conversation and he's attractive, tho not what I usually go for. It will be interesting to see how things play out in regards to my future plans but i'm not going to give it too much thought at this point.
So there has been so much drama with work lately. Throughout all the drama, one good thing managed to happen though...I got a promotion! My new position is a lot more stressful that my previous one but I LOVE it. It's a challenge everyday and it ultimately contributes to something that I want to contribute to for the rest of my life (free, easy access to knowledge for EVERYONE). So getting back to the workplace drama...there has been a huge pay discrepancy going on for everyone in our Boston branch. We've all been underpaid for quite some time now, due to our neglegant manager and FINALLY something has been done about it. I wont go into details but basically, each of us was given a small amount of retro active pay. None of this pay was close to what we should've received, so we've been going back and forth with management and such. The situation WILL be resolved soon, I hope, but that's not the point of this entry...
The point is that I had called my Father earlier to talk about the situation. I had the silly disposition thinking that he'd say the same thing everyone else I've talked to about this has said and been like "Well they need to pay you what you should be paid, fair is fair!". I work hard, I've earned my keep, now pay me accordingly. lol. Well, he basically told me that I'm foolish for rocking the boat so hard and I should just take whatever they're willing to give and be happy that I have a job at the end of the day. Now, if he were a man who had a solid career and did good work that he was proud of day in and day out, I might have respected his commentary and marinated on it. But that's not the case. lol. My Dad is one of those guys you can boss around all day long, make him do stuff that's nowhere in his job description, and then pay him as little as possible and he will say NOTHING. I am NOT my father. lol.
I wish that more people valued themselves and the work they do. Granted, what I do is not difficult in the way that I'm not doing any real physical labor and I'm not handling multi million dollar accounts but I'm great at what I do and I'm efficient at what I do. I should be paid accordingly. As long as I'm treated fairly, I'll continue to work hard. That's the bottom line...so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! LOL
Relationships. We as a people put SO. MUCH. emphasis on relationships in life. Sometimes it makes me sad because it seems as if people don't value EVERYTHING else in life unless they have a boo. Now don't get it twisted: I definitely have my nights where I'd like nothing more than to lay my head on a nice, warm chest and feel some other mans arms down my back holding me close...and on those nights, I just pull my little Laqueesha tighter and drift back to sleep. Anyway...
Ya know how sometimes after a bad date or an unpleasant encounter, we tend to pop off about what's wrong with the OTHER person? That's easy. We can all point the finger and tell the next person what's wrong with them according to us...but how many of you can look in the mirror and point the finger at YOURSELF? I think that since I'm in my upper 20's (rapidly approaching 30, meeeeep!) Ive learned a few things, both about relationships and about myself and I have no problem pointing the finger at myself. Here a few things I can tell you about what's wrong with me...
1. I'm not so good outside of my comfort zone.
I'm really not. I hate surprises, I'm super awful with sugar coating things and I don't like fake pleasantries...which are 3 main components of dating. haha. I really do like things to be on my own terms. It gets considerably less severe the longer we get to know each other but from jump street I'm a real bitch to deal with. Most relationships (and this is both romantic and platonic) usually don't get very far into the honeymoon phase because of this. I'm set in my ways and I accept that.
2. I can't cook or drive.
I dont possess the patience or talent to be spending copious amounts of time slaving over a hot stove just to make a four star culinary fucking masterpiece. I'm a little selfish in the way that I'd rather spend my time doing other things. On the plus side, I'm a cleaner/organizer. I always tend to pick very messy, unorganized men for mates who enjoy cooking, so so far this hasn't held me back much in the dating world but I know that eventually it will. Every man wants to come home to a man that cooks. I'm so not that man. haha. As far as driving, it's never going to happen. I get distracted easy, I focus too much on not hitting other cars that I don't see stop signs and red lights. You can't talk to me if I'm driving. All the windows must be open regardless of weather and/or temperature. The radio cannot be above a whisper. I sweat and I get bitchy. And above all else, I am not legally registered to operate a motor vehicle in any of the 50 states of the continental United States of America and I firmly intend for it to stay that way until my passing. Accept it and move on upon meeting me.
3. I over-communicate...
Whenever a problem arises, I'm always the first to address it. I can be a bit of a nag. I'm always afraid that I'm not being heard/understood so I always make it a point to emphasize myself...redundantly...in an in-your-face sort of manner. I can be a little bossy because I tend to think my way is the best way.
4. ...but I hate talking on the phone.
I absolutely loathe talking on the phone. It's the most pointless thing in the world to me. I cant do other shit that I wanna do if I'm stuck holding a phone to my ear while you're on the other end yapping off about this, that and the third. I like to multi-task throughout my day and talking on the phone just slows me down. If it's important, feel free to call otherwise just send a text. I'm a HUGE texter. I can be cleaning the bathroom, singing a song and texting to 5 different people all at once and I wouldn't have it any other way.
5. I demand too much from people.
I demand too much from people. I expect people to always be upfront and honest with me and unfortunately that isn't how most people operate. It usually leaves me feeling let down and disrespected yet it's something I refuse to change about myself or work on. I expect people to treat me the way that I treat them. So if I'm out at a bar and I'm giving you special looks cuz I deem your behavior to be unecessary or extra, feel free to throw shade right back at me. I don't expect everyone to get along in life and it always annoys me when people DO expect that. I am an adult, however, and can respectfully wish for your vaporization from across the room without being classless and egregious.
6. I enjoy spending time with MYSELF.
I can be very selfish when it comes to how I spend my free time. I have my own set of interests. I dont have a ton of friends that I would want to spend a whole day with, so when I DO find one, I go all out...but it's so rare. I'd much rather be in bed reading or watching a movie on the couch than be in someone's club. I like to explore and not have to worry about the other person being as entertained as I am. Conversely, when I'm done with something I like to have the freedom to leave.
and probably the most important reason of all...
7. I'm not where I want to be/haven't figured out my lifes blueprint.
I have ridiculous amounts of debt. I work in a field I love but am not far enough up the ladder or payscale that I would like. I'm struggling with weight issues. I have an unconventional living situation. I have severe emotional baggage. All of these things GREATLY contribute to being in a healthy, functional, monogamous long term relationship. To further complicate things, I honestly don't know where I stand on marriage. I once thought I would be a perfect fit for marital bliss. After three failed, long term serious relationships and evalutating things, I'm not so sure it's for me anymore. I'm very guarded and I dont think I can see me giving 100% of myself to someone seriously enough to consider spending the rest of my life with them. People rush into things so quickly and give the lead to their emotions, myself included, and I'd rather hold out and go at a snails pace. It's hard to always stick to that standard and sometimes I settle. Until I figure out how to stay steadfast to that principle, it's probably best for me to avoid LTRs for the time being.
and now, I implore you to listen to the song below.
So the other day I read some quote which, to paraphrase, basically said "everything that can be said wasn't meant to be said and everything that can be put in print shouldn't be". I found it very interesting because we now live in this age where we all can say whatever we want about whatever we want, put it out into the universe and strangers (and low key stalkers and unwanted family members) can read it. Fun concept, right? Personally, I love it. There's nothing on here I wouldn't say in person. I don't front (and for those of you who follow me on Twitter), and I can be really vulgar and "extra" in person. I'm usually ruled by my emotions. Its not something I'm proud or ashamed of. It just is what it is. haha. I'm sure it dissappoints my Mom sometimes because she is the epitome of a classy lady but whatever. She gave me the tools, its my own fault for not using them. haha.
Anyway, my point of this blog was basically to pat myself on the back. I was involved in a conversation at work today where someone, a work "friend", showed me a private email from one of their family members. It expressed a view that I strongly agree with (I won't say what that view is...in this post, anyway) but based off of the tone my "friend" was using to showcase the email to me, I deduced that she did not agree. So, shock of shocks, I kept my mouth shut. The old me probably would have sounded off about this, that and the third and a great argument could've been had and rah rah rah. However, I realized silently that if I had expressed my opinion and we did have a discussion about it, it probably would've created an uncomfortable tension between us in our work environment.
Did I somehow cheat myself by remaining silent? Not at all. I think that in the proper venue, when you're in your OWN space and/or with people you feel comfortable around who KNOW you, you can feel free to speak your mind to its fullest extent. However, in life there will always be situations where the best thing is to be silent, nodd your head and smile. and I'm proud that I can now recognize the difference between the two situations.
I've always been a slow emotional grower so when I make a stride, I like to recognize it...and that's what I'm doing: in my blog, where I'm free to express my opinion and stroke my own ego. hahaha.
So I don't know what's going on with me, really. I feel sort of apathetic to this whole situation between bi guy and I. (lol) On one hand, I like him and enjoy spending time with him. He's aggressive, he's funny, he's halfway intelligent. On the other hand...I'm just not feeling those butterflies. I don't really care about impressing him or anything like that. I only talk to him on the phone if he calls me. I usually only text him if he texts me. I only spend time with him if he asks (which has been an almost daily occurence for the last 9 days.
I'm just comparing him to my three previous relationships (which is maybe where I'm fucking up) and with those three guys, I can remember feeling butterflies and explosions and JOY! I WANTED to see them all the time, speak with them all the time, make them happy ALL THE TIME. So I don't know what my problem is. Could I just be so jaded and downtrodden with negative relationship experiences that I'm over it all? Or is he just not the right guy?
How the hell do you figure all this out anyway? lol. Do I need 1 800 Therapist for this? haha.
So I met a guy. Now it's TOTALLY premature to be writing about him because we've only hung out twice...but premature is my nature. LOL. I have no idea where this is going to go, I don't have any preconceived notions about it. We have two things planned for this upcoming week so I'm just going to take it as it comes. I just know that I am resolving RIGHT NOW...IN THIS BLOG that I'm going to not have any airs or put on any show this time around. I'm just going to relax, be myself and deal with things as it comes. I'm never afraid to speak my mind in work related/friend situations but with relationships I always tend to take a heavy dose of chillax. lol.
So far, I haven't. I let him know upfront I have a 90 day rule before you see me in anything less than full attire (and that's a minimum) and don't even think about seeing my crib or any of that shit. Both times we met up, he was 15 minutes late so I let him know that my time is precious to me and not a commodity that I have much of so he needs to make a stronger effort to be on time. He doesn't have a cell phone, as he just moved here from NYC, and I let him know upfront that if dating is something we're going to try, he needs to get one. It may seem odd and demanding of me to say something like that upfront without even really knowing him but to me it's just something that isn't negotiable. If we're going to be making plans and what not, you need to be reachable. If I'm feeling some type of way and want to express that to you, you need to be available to receive such things. lol. If you're missing me, you should be able to send a text or a quick phone call to say so and likewise.
To me, it's sketchy that in the year 2010 you don't have a cell phone...which brings me to my next issue. He is bisexual. Now this may be an insecurity of mine, I'm not sure yet, but this puts me on edge. Obviously a female is not something I can compete with. I've had weird experiences in the past dating bisexual men. They tend to treat their men like females, which I don't like. The last guy I dated who was bisexual was constantly trying to exert his masculinity by buying me lots of shit, treating me to dinners and movies and museums, etc, carrying my bags and shit like that to prove that he was "the man". Now I'm not the epitomy of masculine by any means but I'm not some fairy queen either. I don't need you to have a pissing contest with me. Just be yourself and let me be me. So I guess I'm sort of bringing that baggage into this situation because I'm already seeing signs of that sort of behavior.
He's already talking about taking me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and to the movies. I just think it's disingenuous to be tryna floss at this point in the "relationship". I'm probably over thinking it, which is another thing I do, but that doesn't fall in line with my way of thinking. I'm just thinking of having a good time, getting to know him and trying to do low key things that aren't extravegent or involve lots of money and preparation. I always try to make it a point to represent myself well and STRONGLY when I get to know someone in the romantic sense. Our first meeting, we spent 3.5 hours just talking and then our second meeting half that doing the same thing. I KNOW that I have done an amazing job of presenting myself accurately thus far. So i'm hoping his desire to be a little "extra", as I told him his nickname is gonna be, is just a part of his personality and not anything that's being conjured in an effort to impress me.
I'm very demanding and I dont like when I feel people are being disingenuous with me so I'm just hoping that within time over these next few days/weeks/months/whatever, I will see who he is as a person and it will align with how he's presented himself thus far.
Wish me luck y'all. This is my first big step back out into the dating pool. I don't wanna get swallowed up by a shark and shat back out into crappier waters. LOL. I also don't wanna be some DL's sidepiece. Homie don't play that shit.
So it's no secret for those that know me that my last relationship didn't end well. It happens, we all go through it. We think we've found "the one". We get happy, we get comfortable and then the rug is pulled out from under us. We give up on love, we go into our hole and we get bitter. Some stay in that state longer than others and one could probably argue that some people never emerge from that state. Then you start to get that itch...you start to think "Hey, I'm a pretty decent person. I've been hurt but lets grow from it"...You resolve to try again.
Well, after a slightly false start, I think I'm at the point where I want to try again. It's been a year and a half...I think I've learned what I needed to learn and I'm ready to apply it. lol. Im fairly certain it's coming from a good place because I feel confident in myself. I'm not desperate. I'm not lonely. I'm just feeling ready to share myself again with someone else...let some of the walls down. I've always been a very guarded person anyway but I don't want to be controlled by that anymore.
For awhile I felt myself getting bitter and jaded and falling into that line of thinking "Well they're all the same". The mere fact that I am (or at least how I perceive myself to be) different from how I see most of the guys around here just says that I can't be the only one.
I've always had a very negative view of the gay community. I think it's all smoke and mirrors and 9.9 times out of 10, the people most heavily involved in the scene are the most insecure, messed up people you'll ever come across in life...not to mention the fakest. It's not a healthy, warm, inviting community. So I tend to project that view onto most guys. Most of the time, I'm right. I'm not one for going to clubs hangin out with "the girls" "spilling the t" and shit like that. I'm much more low key. I'd rather have my ass on the couch watchin a movie on a Friday night (mostly because I've gotta get up on Saturday morning and work) than to be shakin it fast to some old queen singing the same one line 98908987 million times to a beat that sounds like tin cans with some bass thrown in.
