I'm not abnormal

So I'm talking to my Mom last night and she launches into this schpeal about how her and my Dad are concerned because I'm going to be 31 and I don't have a boyfriend...

Now I'm a tough bitch.  But I guess this is a particularly sensitive issue for me because it really got under my skin after we got off the phone.  Honestly, I'd love to be in a relationship.  I would absolutely LOVE to meet a man that I would look forward to seeing all the time, sharing my life and love with, making a foundation for marriage and all that other shit people are supposed to do.  Keyboard being SUPPOSED to do.  I have NEVER EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE been the kind of person that does things because they're supposed to.  That's about TEN good reasons enough for me to NOT do something.  But I digress...

Why am I not in a relationship?  I don't know-there's, like, ten reasons I can think of off the top of my head.

1.I just don't feel like I'm ready.  Getting to know someone on a romantic level requires a lot of effort and intent.  The desire has to be present.  It just isn't there for me right now.  I'm enjoying being single.  I spent the last 4 years living with someone I broke up with after being with them for 3 years.  A bitch would like to breathe for a good minute before I decide to start doing all of that again.

2.  I'm pretty sure I give off the vibe that I'm not ready.  Am I attracting guys that want to date me? Sure.  I did some casual dating over the summer.  I've had some offers come up since then.  But the line is around the block and down the street for guys who want to sleep with me, so apparently that must be what i'm putting off into the universe.  Sex? very easy to get.  Dates?  not so much.

3.Games.  I hate playing them.  I have a 6th sense of being able to calling bullshit on someone. and I really and truly lack the patience to deal with any kind of foolishness.  I'm so ready for it that sometimes I may even sense it when its not there.  Have I been irreparably scarred by my past?  It's possible.  Do I care enough to figure it out right now?  Not really.

4.  Above all else, I value my independence.  I worked so hard in college, the only time I went home was on the winter break.  I left college to move in with my bf at the time and spent 8 years playing house.  When that situation ended, it would've been the perfect time to go home and live with my parents while I licked my wounds and figured out my next move.  What did I do instead?  A bitch got his hustle on, got a promotion and got his very own first apartment.  I think that everyone has to get their own shit in order at some point in their lives and I look around at my peers and don't see a lot of that going on.  I'm 30 (about to be 31) with a job I love that pays my bills. I live in an apartment that I pay for, the lease is in MY name only.  All my bills are in MY name and my name only.  So if you're not on that level, what are you offering me?  I don't really want to do date a dude who has three roommates and works two different jobs.  I respect your hustle and we all gotta do what we gotta do but I bust my ass to keep my head above water.  I would really like to be with someone who is doing the same.

5.  I have baggage.  I'm cultured...experienced...I've been around the block.  I know what works for me and what doesn't.  I'm always open to new experiences and such but I AM kind of set in my ways.  I have a whole life I've accumulated in this apartment I live in.  I can't have you in my life if you're going to be like a bull in a china shop.  Speak low and tread softly...or whatever the expression is.  I'm not the most overly affectionate person but pay attention to my actions.  They'll tell you everything you need to know

That's only 5 but damn I'm getting long winded.  lol.  I just wish my parents weren't trying to push me into codependence or something.  Sure, they got married when they were 20 and had me when they were 21 and have been married since.  I'm over a decade older than that and nowhere near that level.  Who cares?  Maybe I'm not meant to meet my one great love and spend happily ever after doing God knows what!  I'm kind of at peace with that.  I'm certainly not less of a person because I don't have a boyfriend.

still there...

Dear sir that used to be my best friend,

You're still following my blog and I wish you weren't because it hurts to see your picture.

 I recently went through my things and threw out every card, gift tag, letter, and note that you ever gave me because it hurt too much to hold on to them.  I gave away all the stuffed animals and clothes you ever bought me.  I even got rid of those really nice Ben Sherman sneakers that we bought matching pairs of.  I'm also considering changing cell phone providers so that I REALLY will never have an excuse to see you again but a part of me thinks that's a little drastic and crazy (which I am. but only in the fun way).

I'm not sure that I'll ever be ok with you not being around to share all the awesome things that are happening in my life or that I'll ever stop missing our friendship...but I have to try.

and while a really big part of me hates you, a bigger part of me hopes that you're really happy and wishes nothing but the best for you.

No witty title tonight, folks...

Independence is so nice but it sure doesn't keep a bitch warm at night...

I went and saw Billy today because I wanted a new phone.  Did I need to go ALL the way to his store?  Absolutely not.  But I just keep hoping that we'll reconnect and things will go back to some sort of semblance of what it used to be.  He was nice enough but I could tell that he didn't really want to help me.  I just have such a small understanding of our situation I'm not sure, at this point, that I'll ever get to a place where it doesn't bother me.

I went down to the Pier to stare off at the water and just think about some things.  I was remembering all the fun we used to have.  Then I came home and I started looking around at all the junk in my apartment.  It's all mine.  I paid for it all.  My cable is on, my phone is on, my electricity is on. I sleep on expensive sheets, I'm not missing any meals, my dog is well taken care of, I have my share of suitors...but just the absence of ONE friend, a friend that I held so near and dear to my heart, makes being independent sooo... not that big a deal.  Yes, I have great new friends that I've met whom I enjoy spending time with but there's nothing like having that friend you can have a whole conversation with and not use many words... the friend who says what you're thinking before you can say it first...the friend where when something funny happens you just look at each other and bust out laughing.  Billy was that friend.  I miss that friend.

Had we had some sort of epic quarrel, or any fight at all, I could maybe try and make peace with this.  But I really feel like I'm being beat over the head time and time again with what's staring me right in the face and I STILL DON'T GET IT.  I think that being rejected by a friend is worse than being rejected by a lover or suitor.  It has it's own harsh sting that's still lingering for me.  Maybe its selfish of me to wish that he'd give me some sort of closure because I knooooow he's not capable of giving it to me.  But even if I could just get an email from him explaining WHY we don't speak, why doesn't he want to speak, I could have something to justify all this radio silence.

Why do I keep beating a horse that's clearly dead?  Do I continue to let this bother me so much because I feel so at peace with everything else in my life?

I just want my friend back.

Happier Than I've Ever Been

Soooo... I'm happy.  ::looks meekishly around::  Weird, right?

I turned 30, got a big promotion, moved out into my own apartment by myself, lost some weight and have been on a few awesome dates with this great guy.  I kind of feel like tons of emotional baggage disappeared once I moved out and away from Billy.  I didn't even realize how much that situation was holding me back.  I've grown socially leaps and bounds and I just FEEL better about myself!  I'm not worried about embarrassing anyone or trying to figure out what mental state and mood anyone is in.  I don't feel uncomfortable in my own home.  Now I won't lie and say that I don't miss our friendship, because I really do, but I think it was a little... unhealthy.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll meet up and be friends again but maybe our radio silence is a good thing.  I really hope that we can be friends.  I definitely acknowledge my part in what I believe is one of the reasons we aren't speaking and I do owe him an apology for that but I think he definitely owes me an apology and an explanation.  It's always the WHYS of things that keep me hanging out.

I don't understand WHY we aren't speaking, which is what has been bothering me, but I'm so tired of always trying to play psychic with him.  If you, as a grown man, can't communicate your feelings and have to resort to passive aggressive, juvenile behavior, that's a reflection of YOU and not ME. and it took me suuuuuch a long time to understand that.  I'm not angry at him and I definitely wish him the best but I'm SO happy to FINALLY be doing me.

I spent last week in San Francisco getting some job training but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I got to see Nathan!!!!  I"VE MISSED HIM SO MUCH and we had such a freakin blast while I was there.  It was really refreshing.  I did miss Laqueesha a lot while I was out there so i was SUPER happy when my Mom brought her home early when I got back.  We had an awesome day shopping together afterwards. Then tonight I had my 3rd date with... him ;)  It's seriously been SO LONG since I've met someone I actually wanted to go on 3 dates with. lol.

I know bumps in the road are gonna be coming soon but right now I'm just happy to be feeling at peace and breathing in the fresh air with the sun shining.  :)  It's long overdue.

THIS!

This sums it up. lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HowlAlZoIF4

Race

So color me naive...or something else mean but I really don't get certain arguments involving race.  I was just on le Twitter and I saw a tweet from a certain celebrity (I won't say who cuz I'm ashamed to admit that this person and I follow each other, lol) and it said something along the lines of "It's disgusting how VH1 and Bravo are making millions off of these black women acting like fools".  I also didn't want to single this person out because I've heard/read this statement SOOOOO many times before and I don't want people to get bogged down with WHO said it. Regardless of who says it, I still don't understand it. Why would you expect someone to act a certain way SOLELY because of their race?  You don't hear white people complaining about the women on these shows. "Ooo girl, did you SEE Kyle being a bitch at that party?  She's making all us white girls look bad!".  WTF?! lol.  You'd never hear something like that come out of a white persons mouth.  I've never heard anything like that come out of my mouth (and believe me, a lot of shit comes out of my mouth) about that Shahs of Sunset show and how it represents Middle Eastern people.  So what if they're all materialistic and talk shit about each other?  They're only representing THEMSELVES.  Do you hear me complaining about Rob on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" being a directionless mooch and how he's doing a horrible job representing us Armenians?  No, because he's not representing Armenians.  He's representing HIMSELF.  That's all anyone should care about.  If you're seeking role models and sources of inspiration, reality tv is probably the LAST place you should be looking.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world", I think Ghandi said that.  And it's true.  If you want positive role models for your race (which doesn't even seem like a good idea to me but, hey, lets go with it) then conduct YOURSELF in whatever manner you deem positive.  But no one should ever judge someone else on how they get their paycheck.  You have to hustle hard in this world to provide for yourself and your loved ones.  Some hustles are more respectable than others but as long as its legal and legit, then no one should knock anyone elses hustle.

I'm a bad gay...

The more I read/see/hear about gay culture, the more I'm convinced that I'm clearly a malfunctioning homosexual.  I've always had a knack for zigging when others zag.  Sometimes I even do it on purpose.  But really I'm just fed up.  I was just watching "Beginners" the story of a man who's father comes out at the age of 75 after his wife dies.  I was expecting something interesting, something different...dare I say, something positive.  Maybe it got there eventually but I shut it off before it was over because it pissed me off.  Not even in a movie about a 75 year old man coming out can we have a representation of homosexuality that doesn't include promiscuity and "open relationships".  Now some may regard it as natural and a lot of people I consider friends don't have a problem with this notion of "open relationships".  I, however, don't find it particularly "avant garde" and am thoroughly disgusted with the thought.  I would never and will never accept this as normal.  It's a lazy persons way of accepting cheating.  If you can't be bothered to commit yourself to a monogamous relationship, then what on EARTH COULD YOU POSSIBLY OFFER ME?!  Monogamy is saying that while you can acknowledge that there are millions of other attractive people in the world that under single circumstances you'd sleep with, you love and respect me enough to not do so.  You're offering yourself and commitment and respecting our bond and my personal health and emotional well-being enough to keep your dick in your pants and be with only me.  There is absolutely NO challenge in having an "open relationship".  You're bringing nothing to the table.  You're inviting drama, STDS, jealousy and abandonment issues to run amuk, however.  If this is where my people are taking me, then PLEASE leave me the fuck behind.

But I'm really tired of people looking down on me because I don't want to be a 30 year old shaking my ass in the club every weekend and daring to offer commitment and truth to my suitors.  I will NEVER apologize for demanding the same amount of respect that I give.  I'm also tired of people saying they want to be "friends" and the next thing I know, I've got 3 sexts in my inbox all out of nowhere.  ATTENTION GAY MEN : FRIENDS DO NOT SLEEP WITH FRIENDS. THOSE ARE CALLED FUCK BUDDIES.  WHEN I WANT ONE, I"LL BE VERY UPFRONT ABOUT THAT.

I feel like I have to get all of this out since Pride is right around the corner.  No, I won't be participating in any of those awful events.  To me, it's sad that the one day a year the gays get the most press is the same day that my people ride public transportation in chains, whips and assless chaps...or duct tape their titties and chain smoke as if it's all in a days work...or are 40 years old shaking their flat ass in a pair of speedos on top of a float with awful house music blaring out of a set of speakers...or are morbidly obese dressed as a woman in an outfit that not even a real woman would wear...or even just the simple regular looking joe handing out condom packets to people.  Is there anything more belittling that being handed a condom packet?  Listen, if you're not smart enough to wrap your dick up before you stick it inside someone, or dont demand that someone wear one before they stick themselves inside of you, then you deserve every disease you get.  For every action, there is a consequence.  If you aren't ready for those consequences, change your actions.  It's very simple.  What the world needs is more self control and self respect, not more excuses for poor behavior.